the box is dead

there is some old cartoon craziness music that is going through my brain (i think it is the song from "who framed roger rabbit?" that daffy and donald piano duel to). and with it i have made up a little song in my head revolving around the box that took up 2/3 of the living room and its demise earlier this morning.

i emptied that box. and i took a box cutter and went apeshit. no more box.

now i have to decide if i should throw away the broken christmas disney princess pink tree, or if i keep it, will i come up with a really good idea for it later that will make it worth saving? yeah. once i get a place big enough i have a couple of things saved for the ceilings, a parachute for small cargo from vietnam, glow in the dark stars . . . and now a pink tree, which i will hang upside down from the ceiling of my future workroom and maybe hang useful things on it.

all i have to do now is take down the tree that is up, pack the ornaments, and bag it up with the other tree and thusly ready them for storage. okay, that is dealt with and the living room will be tree free by sundown.

software books

i have this pile that no longer grows but still haunts me with its ever-presence: books about how to use software. books for dummies, books for the literate, books to confound even the designer of the software. early on i had to use these bulky, almost worthless things to learn what i needed to get started with my computer and the software i now use and know enough about to find online tutorials.

i can only make so much grey recycled paper out of them. some will be gleefully used as kindling as a rite of personal freedom. but still the rest of the pile sits and waits. i can't even in good conscience give them away to people.

they are a pox of the 90's, leftover in homes everywhere just lurking . . . and maybe waiting . . .

today today

i tore apart my room and the studio and i only have them 2/3 put back together.

i also went out with R and got some cat food and litter.

there is stuff everywhere. and i still need to clean the kitchen and do some laundry. i also plan to make an unhealthy dinner of corned beef hash and a bagel with cream cheese. i'm starving today. i don't know why.

short list

- whole milk in coffee is good
- kitty affection is fabulous
- the sky is deep blue
- R is working a short day
- friends are good

gorgeous little things

"okay, so how do i sleep?" i ask him.

"like you're climbing a wall."

look ma, no scratching

i'm showing signs of defeatism, which i must defeat.

48 hours

it has been 48 hours since i took lamictal. the itching is gone. i don't know if this is a good sign or a bad one. i'm glad for the itching to stop, don't at all get me wrong, i hate the itching. but i don't know what that means about going back to the lamictal.

in the meantime, i've had many recommendations for abilify and a few other drugs. but i'm not hearing from anyone who quit lamictal against their wishes (like me) who were able to find something as good. my hope is gone. but then, it comes and goes. always has.

there is still the chance that the rash i have is caused by something else. but the fact that it is going away as the drug leaves my system does not bode well for me.

this is like winning the lottery and having the money stolen. your dreams are visible and seemingly reachable one week. the next it is all pulled out from under you.

oy.

how sad

the mine trapping story. we were watching last night when everyone was celebrating the 12 that were alive. i looked at doc and said, "no one has seen the survivors, no one knows what is really up, what if they were wrong?"

i was kidding. and i'm sorry for all the families.

how insanely sad.

hmmm

blogging to say nothing at all.

warm fuzzies

not often, but sometimes i am able to help someone through some small thing and feel really good about it.

on another note of fuzzie-ness, R and i are becomming really good friends. she is planning to move in a few months, but we're going to have a good time until then. just wait until i take her to the double down saloon.

pith on thith

doc is spending his day off with me, in case i didn't like what my doctor said about my medication. which i didn't. i punched the wall and cried for a bit and then found a bright spot and went on with things.

magic meds stopped, let's see how long i can hold onto this, now that i know what it is and how it feels.

how's everyone?

i've been amazingly off the computer and in the living room spending time. lots more love from the cats, amazing what affectionate things they are when you aren't sitting in an office chair. i am wowed by the love i've been getting.

R came over today, we watched margaret cho.

it is raining nice and hard here. better here than in reno right now. plus it is beautiful to watch the leaves get battered off the trees by rain again.

frat boy

a little observation about king bush and the spew yesterday making the wire tapping secretly moot by telling the terrorists who were being targeted. he is like a frat boy who, when he gets in trouble, tries to over explain things and makes them worse.

if there was a monica lewinsky in his life it would have been, "i did not have sexual relations with that woman, i just got a blow job" from day one. stupid king bush.

set back

at some point tonight i overdid it and ended up on the couch rocking and stuttering. we walked up to the store. maybe it was the few minutes i was alone after dark waiting for doc to meet me. i got a little freaked out going under the underpass, afraid a truck was going to fall on me.

i see this as only a minor occurance, but i wanted to write it down so i remember that it is possible to overstimulate myself and end up not feeling too well.

with the xanax i feel much better and maybe should have taken it before i went out. i may have avoided this. i need to remember that my xanax is not a rectreational drug that i just do. it is medicinal and i have it for a reason and shouldn't be afraid to use it when i may need it.

lesson learned. =}

as a mom, i suck

i was so busy playing this week and cleaning the inside of the house that i forgot the litter boxes. all week. i am suck. so this morning as we are sitting here laughing about last night, hank pees in full view of god and us and everyone. right on my floor. doc said the litter boxes conditions justified hank's actions and we were damn lucky he didn't shit on my pillow.

so now i'm giving them catnip and tuna and trying to say i'm sorry by making them use the clean boxes more and fattening them up. i'll brush hank later to finish off my 'i'm sorry' trip. he loves the brushes more than anything else on earth.

and, yes, i have learned my lesson. cat boxes every day. yes. i don't know what the hell happened this week. my head, though more lucid, is up in the clouds when it comes to serious things. at least i got the laundry folded and doc's stuff ironed, that makes me feel better.

the most ironic thing is that all week was pet cleaning stuff week at R's. i helped keep the ferrets distracted while she did their cage. so pet maintenance was on my mind. just not the litterbox part.

nye redux

last night turned out to be a hoot, if for no other reason than R describing me as "passed out, snoring and drooling" when she got here last night. and she came bearing vanilla coke. hee.

so i drank my coke in the middle of the night and watched the news channels replay all the fireworks from around the world for a couple hours and listened to some christmas music and drank more sparkling wine. i finally went to bed as the sun was coming up. =}

should i tell?

i slept through new years! i can't believe it, but at ten i was fading, i figured a couple hours nap, no problem. doc woke me at 2:30 to take my meds. so naturally, i'm all awake right now.

i can't believe i slept through it. great nap though.

but it ws great fun, very quiet and nice. and i hear there's left overs for me tomorrow. seems that M made nibbly things.

the holiday season rocked for the first time in years. the hopefulness i have going into 2006 is so intense it is sappy.

i looked at the clock exactly 12 hours ago. hee. that never happens anymore.