jkfdak

yes, the orange was that bad with the purple. hey, they are kind of off their hue, the orange were meant to be red and don't quite make it, and the purple are dark and smoky almost to the point of dark grey. it could have worked.

so i made other stuff, a gun metal chain charm-y kind of thing, which i've made nothing like for a year or so. that was fun. i'll have pictures tomorrow. i need to get them up for holiday stuff, i want everything possible listed before holiday shopping starts so during the holidays i can concentrate on art journals, shipping and gift making. no making of merchandise during the holidays. that will be too much and i will mess it up like i did with that journal i had to refund recently. i can't do that again, i got off with no bad feedback this time.

how many times can i watch this edited version of the fifth element? gods, it is driving me nuts, yet i can't turn it off. it grounds me. if i had star wars, i'd have another to watch. i need to get some used VHS movies somehow.

politic

i was listening to an earlier press thing with scott mcclellan and the press asked him if harriet miers was the "best" for the job, as he was quoted as saying quite enthusiastically, what was the new guy.

i lost interest in the second page of the answer. really. someone give this kid a thesaurus. when you don't even reword things when repeating them over and over, you add insult to injury to incomprehension.

Vote for Vicki at Cutest Poochy Pics

Cutest Poochy Pics: "Meet Vicki!

A purebred Rhodesian Ridgeback, Vicki was born last March in a litter with 5 sisters and 6 brothers!"

Vote for Vicki!!

not gonna do it

NaNoWriMo is out. i just don't feel like a writer, and don't think like one. i find myself wishing i could drag and drop a bar fight into things. see, i'm in a photoshop brushes place, not a writing it out place. and really that is all my attention can handle.

so i'm going to do an art challenge. my making of stuff has been here and there, and so focusing on getting one thing done a day will be much more useful to me.

i can only write when weakened. whether weak from love or hate, i have to be in a vulnerable place. art comes from a stronger, more competent part of me, and that is really the me i'm into right now. if i am going to have such strong and random personality parts, i now reserve the right to switch them on and off at will.

i know i could write some poetry, if there was stuff i was willing to let out. but i've been thinking about that stuff and realizing that i completely misjudged everything about it and to write out the intensity seems like a lie. i could still find the words, once they form they stay somewhere in my head until i use them, but since i already know my reactions and emotions were misplaced, well, i already know. it would be fake. and fake sentiment is just, well, ick. i really have enough material that has never been seen or heard, i don't need to milk stupid shit to get more.

enough! i have a time consuming necklace to make today, and i really should do something with jack's toys to stop him bouncing off the walls. it's like his kittendom got a second wind.

free coffee day

at doc's work it is free coffee monday. how exciting, i get to keep the bulk of the pot of coffee i just made.

i awoke to jack. my head was somewhat under him. he was laying on my face, purring with his mouth half open and trying to find a way under my hand. he continued like this for several more minutes before slipping under the covers and curling up with my budda belly of a stomach. it was very strange.

once, in ancient peru there was a game and it was called "limeball". jack did not spend too much time waking me up, since the limes we have were on the floor and the bag empty on the counter. how does he know that a shapeless bag is going to contain three round things?

snappy words here

i got to five thousand words and i can't stand myself any more. so i wrote a list of goals instead and called it a day. some would say this is a good thing, taking away any block i would have had for NaNoWriMo. i still don't know if i'm going to do it.

that said, write yourself a letter sometime, make sure you're sedated or drunk for some of it. get all your self pity out, cry for wasted time and get up and do something about it. it's no near death experience, but it is enlightening. and i was right, getting it all out really helped. nothing like a four day psychological enema to get your head on straight again.

i feel safe to say i got off easy with the xanax. there has been no withdrawl. in fact a few times over the last couple of days i've stopped and realized i felt good, body and mind and stopped to enjoy it and not think about anything for a few minutes except feeling well. i'm not saying it will get you off heroin but i really do feel like i've learned something about life and how i am living it. now before i get all preachy . . .

we were watching a thing on elizabeth taylor and someone said early in her acting career that she was allergic to feeling well or good health or you get the idea. doc didn't say anything at the time, which surprised me, but the next day i mentioned it and he acted relieved and said he felt that so applied to me but didn't want to say it. that is no way to live. really. i've slipped, but i haven't fallen.

go fast

i found the second bottle of ephedrine, as assigned, and took one. and made two necklaces with small damned beads.

then i cleaned the litterbox (doc cleans the other one), and vacuumed the house, emptying the canister twice. that is a lot of cat fur and i may start to vacuum twice a week . . . maybe more. ick.

i need another file cabinet. we got a plastic one that i like, i just don't have the car and the money. so i keep obsessing on this file cabinet and how so many things will be better and cleaner when i have it, that i am almost paralyzed to do anything else with the lack of organization here.

i also cleaned my room. heh.

go fast.

maybe i'll trot my ass up to the gym and see if they fixed the treadmill yet. i could sweat to some then jerico or sex pistols. when i work out here i play madonna and pink videos to inspire me to work out so i can look like that, or as close to that as my body type allows.

sunday monday

welcome to my monday. man, it got cold last night. i had to steal blankets from doc. time to break out my snuggly blanket, the one i have isn't going to do it.

here's a bit of info about my current blanket: the last time i was incarcertated in the lovely mental hospital, the paramedics who took me in left a blanket with me. it really is nothing more than some fuzzy cotton, nothing really to it, but it has a blood stain on it from the event and i've since sewn satin on the top to make it a proper blanket.

it is very thin, and perfect for most of the year here. and i love it, it is my favorite.

jack just ran in here and barked at me and ran back out. not so weird unless we remember jack is a cat. he's been strange all morning. i think we woke up because of the time change before he could do his morning foomp on my pillow and get pets from mom and dad. i think he's out of sorts having his schedule disrupted. but barking? weird cat. he doesn't even know any dogs.

fall back

i just got adjusted to the "spring forward", now we have to "fall back". and i can't help but feel if we just stayed the same i could finally keep up.

one thousand words

1,000 words a day to me and about me. you wouldn't think it would be that hard, and so far you would be right.

but will i run out of things to say to myself?

i doubt it. and if i repeat myself, well, that is why goddess created editing.

here's a thing: i have recently discovered that i can type pretty fast as long as i don't look at the keyboard (proof that the universe is funny like that, i fucked up every word in that sentence and had to backspace). so i take joy in typing and typing into word is fun. once you teach it what you spell wrong most often you don't have to correct yourself. i tend to misspell words the same each time, so it is easy to take a raw document and teach the program who i am. then i just type and type away and it corrects each little mistake. techno love.

the nipple issue is settled. the left one has been allowed to heal without any ornamentation, the right one has a barbell through it and is quite happy. i never liked symmetry anyway.

ack people!

i am now pretty sure we were supposed to go next door to let R know we wanted to go with her. oops. so we're not used to this.

on another note, i am tired of tiny beads. i'm using these really super cool tiny clay beads to make some fall necklaces, and i'm just tired of their tinyness and how long it takes to work with them. the results are worth it, though. there is nothing that looks bad with these little beads, well, nothing in my inventory. i'm actually thinking of putting them with faux pearls.

punk rock karaoke

doc and in, in our morning rambles, came up with the bestest idea for the ultimate live punk rock karaoke.

and i was going to put the rules up but i suck. i want to keep the idea and write it up as an actual thing and try to get it going somewhere.

just know that if you are in las vegas ever and hear of it, you must go.

friday night

R came over last night and invited us to the swap meet today. i'm so excited i couldn't sleep past 8:30. i'm currently being very quiet so doc can get another hour of sleep.

i have disks for the camera ready to go . . . i've never been to a swap meet or farmers market or whatever out here. it will be weird not to see it full of amish people. but i am excited to go, i love these things and flea markets and any chance to find a treasure.

and having a digital camera makes it that much better. i should make sure the battery is charged.

this is what happens when you don't get out, when the possibility arises, you get all worked up over it.

K said last night he'd be happy to give doc rides to buy groceries while we continue to fight with the car. on a related note, R's room mate knows a guy who does cars right the first time.

people are so nice out of nowhere. well, K has always been nice, that's why we missed him when he left, he was/is one of the best people we've met here and good people in this town are hard to come by.

i guess that's true for every town, i just blame vegas because the possibility for moral corruption on some level is the highest of any place outside of washington DC, from my point of view.

why

why am i so socially inept?

i wished for friends

K is back in town. which is really cool. right now he's with doc at the store. i have a feeling they will be out drinking beer together by the end of the night. that is cool.

i ended up getting a great night's sleep last night. oh how very joyous, you just don't know. or you might. sleep is great.

why is the news on? i didn't do this. thre. fixed.

my shoulders hurt from typing for so long, working on the whole inner dialogue thing, though it is more of me yelling at myself. i'm just writing for now, i'll put subjects together later.

ooh, cool, neighbor just stopped by for doc and i was able to make a good impression. that is cool.

that is one of the things i hate most about myself, i'm over sensitive to people's thoughts. and as we all know, i have no control over people's thoughts. and i'm mostly not in people's thoughts. just as i don't give a shit about people, they don't give a shit about me and that is an important thing to hold on to. and one i have a very slippery grip on.

sending good thoughts at kam316 because that is the thing to do right now. =}

i give in

i took 150 mg (usual dose) of seroquel after laying in bed for an hour and a half and being no closer to sleep. i even had a heating pad on my shoulder (nothing big, just a sore thing and i hate backrubs), which is usually a sure fire way to get me to sleep.

and because the universe has the ability to laugh, only on the nights that i can't get to sleep can doc get to sleep early.

at least while i'm up and typing i am not thinking because my head is a scary place when i'm left on my own.

i'll get some more writing done.

tomorrow tomorrow

so now that i have the week's most annoying song stuck in your heads . . .

tomorrow is doc's day off so tonight i try going with no seroquel. i had to wait for him to be home a couple of days in case i need him, he is around for it. by the time he goes back to work on sunday, i'll know if i'm ready yet.

BTW, chloe was just getting over the fear of the noise in the living room when doc's cell phone went off and she is back under the bed.

i wonder if there is any chance they remember the flight out here, hank is sensitive to loud noises too, unless it's madonna. don't ask me why, this is not a madonna heavy household, sure i liked ray of light okay and her old stuff has a special place in my heart for trendy shit of the 80s, but it wasn't like hank was raised by madonna impersonators or something, he just loves her music.

inner dialogue, first/rough

Stop plaguing me with things that
You cling to
Stop already with the memories
And self importance
Let me be to the present and see
What I can do with this mess
That you’ve left for me to call a life
I’m so tired of not knowing what is real
And I don’t get why you must twist everything
And make everything what it cannot be

I’ve been spinning around with your
Fantasies of the past and it has found me no truth
It has gotten me nothing but trouble
And it ruins everything real that I could have
I am tired of your ideas and notions
I can do without your self pleasure
The games you play on me are worse
Than any sentence, any loss of freedom
That you would lead me to imagine

Why do you take everything and shred it
Then wrap yourself up in it?
Why do you sabotage every time I reach out
Why can’t you leave me alone?
-----------------

there is so much i want to say to myself, i dont' know why i never thought of this before. my NaNoWriMo goal is a bit different this year. this year is about getting it all out and hoping some material is useable when all is said and done, but it won't be a novel. however, the idea is novel to me, so that has to count for something.

when i talk to myself

i sometimes ask "are you really special? are you really anything that you think you are, or is it all delusion?"

because really, it could all be delusion - that is a realistic possibility

and if it is delusion (or even if it isn't, i guess), is it strong enough to push me to where i think i belong?

and then doc asks who i'm talking to and i have a cigarette and watch some TV.

that was new hell

okay, the ringing of the phone, very loud song i don't recognize, and it was in the living room ringing for a while before i figured out i could use it, that has been established.

what i didn't realize is that the music coming out of a small glowing thing up out of reach scared chloe under my bed, terrified.

it took me ten minutes to coax her out and then crawl with her as she walked into my studio, where leeloo came in and took over, picked up on chloe's vibe and comforted her with a few kisses and nurfles. which is something that us humans are rarely afforded the luxury of seeing, and was so cute, then jack came up and did the same thing and as the three stood nose to nose kind of leaning into each other i swear i wept and was weak with the cuteness.

and the evil phone is gone. Q finally called, after several other people, i had a list for him when he got here. every number has a different ring. that man needs a different hobby. i've got to get him reading elmore leonard. lots of shooting and motherfuckering and blowing up of things, he'd like that stuff and i can see him reading it to his daughter somehow.

ack! technology!

Q left his cell phone here and it has been ringing, but i thought it had a keyguard on. now i've figured out i can use it, and am waiting for this thing to go off in my hand.

i really know nothing at all about cell phones except they are disorienting to use because of the size, and i don't need one.

i hate telephones, have i mentioned i hate them? because i really really do. i don't even have a land line. we have a hard wired alarm system and that is all i need. doc has a phone because he talks to people on it, something i try never to do.

out of sorts

why did the office close today before 4:30 with no explanation? i wanted my bead order.

i have to go over doc's new HR packet and pick an insurance plan. it goes into effect on the first and i want to be first in line at the root canal store.

s came over to visit for a while, it had been a few weeks since his last visit, i'd been worried about him. he doesn't have a phone or permanent place to live. turns out he's been staying over a big hill from us and hasn't wanted to go up it to visit. since he's on his bike, i can completely understand that. and i will applaud him once again for not being afraid to talk to me like a normal person.

Starpulse News Blog - Johnny Depp Offers "Mirror Therapy" To Kate Moss

Starpulse News Blog - Johnny Depp Offers "Mirror Therapy" To Kate Moss

the part of this story that horrifies me is that kate moss is writing poetry now.

tin of cydniey

yep, that's where you are.

gonna hit 2000 this week. calls for some reader participation.

so, how did you get here? what brings you?

drive by arting in vegas

lasvegas: What happens in Vegas......

as the day progresses i hope better pictures are posted, since i live on the opposite side of the valley, i didn't know about these mountain lights.

Childfree By Choice

Childfree By Choice/ Childfreebychoice.Com: Childfree in History/ Childfree (and Childless) Celebrities! A-M

interesting list. big list. some surprises, some not so much. a lot of insanely productive and creative people . . . people who may not have had the time to be so if they had children.

i am not anti earth

i cut up six pack holders, and i use cloth towels instead of paper towels and when i purchase things i think of the amount of packaging and buy the one with less. okay.

i also sort my recycleables and until about a year ago, we had a recycling dumpster. i knew it was emptied into the regular garbage truck with the other dumpsters, but we did our level best.

now that dumpster is gone and doc had the admirable idea to take the reuseables up the street to a place with a dumpster for it. great. but that never really happens like it should, and with the car out of commission, it is less likely to happen and i just want the fucking garbage out of my house.

i do not care that each bottle is rinsed and compacted, that each can is washed out and no trace of food is left on any container. i care that i have bags of sorted crap sitting around.

last night doc came to me and told me he had made a decision that would likely shock me. flashes of 'i want a baby' or 'i've decided to join up' raced each other through my head. one i can counter, one i cannot. my heart sped up and i looked at him expectantly as he carefully and deliberately put an empty beer bottle in the trash can next to my desk.

weeping with anticipatory joy, i jumped up and asked him if it was real and he assured me it was, we can throw everything away from now on!!

and really, he only says the baby thing when i have the hiccups and he is trying to scare them out of me. (it works, by the way, about once a year he catches me off guard and goes for an 'oscar moment' and scares the snot out of me)

The Brontosaurus - Monty Python's flying creationism. By William Saletan

The Brontosaurus - Monty Python's flying creationism. By William Saletan: "A: … This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle; and then thin again at the far end."

brontosauruses, intelligent design, elephants, monty python, this article has it all.

end

the minute my tooth stops hurting, i am going to bed.

i had a good day, a better evening, and i'm ready for sleep. and since i haven't eaten today i expect no bad dreams. and i mean that.

i watched three hours of "i love the 80's 3D" tonight. why oh why.

oh hey, what do you know, i've been sitting here so long trying to think of what to say that my tooth has stopped hurting. good night.

easy and fast

what a difference a lack of a pill makes. this day has gone by superfast.

what a relief. i couldn't take another day like the past few . . . weeks. the counting of the hours and the inability to enjoy anything.

and doc will be satistfied with this, since there also seems to be a connection to my mood and the news channels. i always thought since i didn't pay attention, it didn't really affect me (or is that "effect"? i never got that right).

it is so nice to feel better. stupid xanax. stupider me.

pure energy

i just cleaned my bathroom floor on my hands and knees. i'm so glad i have a small bathroom.

i need to slow down now, though. i got overheated. i will sit and be still while the floor dries. then i can do the glass.

i also threw away a hanging ribbon full of half rusted, dust covered barettes. i kept the nice ones, but i've been displaying and not ever using them (i'm just not cutesy enough) for ever and i had let a disgusting amount of dust gather on them. so i just threw it away and hung the electric clippers in their place. much cleaner looking.

removing the clutter from my life is a slow process and a very messy one, but if i can do the bathroom, i can do anything. i have to next go into the small closet and throw away all the expired bottles of whatnot i have. i will allow my collection of lotions. since they are all full. why don't all brands sell sample sizes?

so this is me unsedated, i like it.

oh yeah, i worked out and dried my latest batch of paper. it was purple so i could iron it because i like what the heat and steam do to the color of the purple paper. i know it has something to do with the type of folders i use for color and the way they run.

the secret

i have so many that mean so little.

enough.

not taking xanax with morning meds.
i feel like me more again
i am not confused

have i been taking too much of the drug?
it is very possible,
just what i was trying to avoid

this is how addiction gets you
you all heard me talk about not getting hooked
taking less than i should
and then i am taking three pills a day
every day
and then i am popping another
along with all that
and i don't notice until

this day
i think to myself,
"don't take it, you can take it later if you need it"
and an hour later i suddenly feel like me again

and i have cleaned the studio
and i have straightened my room
and i have combed my hair

and i have put away the bottle of xanax
which is back on a "need to use" basis
ONLY
i can't take another monkey on my back

i feel my petty addictions
sugar
caffeine
nicotine
as acutely as if i was injecting them
and i wish i wasn't so intimate with them
and i wish i could give them up
but they are the addictions that
i let my genetically addiction inclined self have

i was so careful and only looked away
for a few weeks

shame
how i judged others
how weak i assumed they were
but it sneaks up on you
don't let it sneak up on you
take what you need to make you feel better
have a doctor that gives a shit
don't over do it

you will miss yourself
i know i did

------------------------

my poetry gets worse every year
the stuff i think of as i drift off to sleep isn't much better than the above. in fact it sucks so that i don't even get up and try to capture it.

there is something else that wants to be written. i know that i am holding in a Big Giant Thing, and i can guess that until i forget about it (ha), or until i let it out, every other expression is gonna suck.

or i am just getting worse with age. i need to figure it out before i commit to NaNoWriMo in a couple of days. it is also Art By The Inch month, though that will be easier, i make stuff daily anyway, i may not even officially do it because i really don't have a problem with daily art. it is the writing i gave up on. i want to collaborate, i just don't like writing alone.

there's more of that "getting out of my own head" thing.

i have this box

this box that used to hold some piece of workout equipment. and this box is full of computer innards. i have a motherboard, several sound cards and all sorts of other stuff i've torn out of discarded and useless printers and drives and the like. all the stuff in the box is waiting for is a soldering gun in my hot little hands. i'm getting the gun for christmas (one major tool per christmas sounds like a good habit to get into and i got the dremel last christmas) and the box waits patiently.

i have to study some of it, because all of the parts that can have power, i want to have lights. i get to take a radio shack crash course in electricity. i should probably start checking the library for some sort of "electricity for utter nimrods" book that will teach me how to do simple things and how not to do complicated things to hurt myself.

doc is mistrustful of the electricity thing with me and insists this would be an awesome time to get together with another artist, ideally someone who can be trusted with live currents, to do the electrical part of things. whatever. i just want the soldering gun. the whole idea of sticking things together with metal just makes me all giggly and adventurous.

yeah i did it

i woke up after doc was gone. he's going in an hour early to make sure he keeps up with the training class. it isn't because he's slow, he is just more thourough than the trainers expect and wants to know everything he possibly can to do the job well. he's looking at this as a career, they promote from within and are a very big company.

in an amazing feat i left the house to get the mail today. since doc left a couple dollars in change with my keys, i got a soda while i was out. i still don't know what was vandalized in the pool area though i've been in it a couple of times. there was no package today so i had no reason to go in and schmooze the office ladies.

since i slept half the day away, i feel all energetic. i've done my chores, with the exception of the studio. it is really crowded in there and i know i can improve that, i just don't know where to start. and i don't want to go cleaning in some fugue state where i move things because i know where everything is in the clutter. the stuff that has a place to be is all the stuff i use regularly and doesn't need to be messed with while i'm in some cleaning frenzy.

as a change from the news i'm watching E! and wow, it deals with nothing i care about. they are doing shows on things that have gone wrong with celebrities and events. and though something here or there will perk my ears up with the silliness, the celebs i could really care less about. i wonder what is on sci fi . . .

people can suck

so, Q is another person who doesn't like to come over, if only for a moment to pick up some toys, if doc isn't here. i am so sick of people being like that. i'm not some scary monster. the only friend i've ever gone off on is part of that crowd, but i had good reason and we are still friends. he even comes over and hangs out when doc isn't home sometimes.

i may be a little strage and likely to say hello warmly and then go about my business, they are doc's friends and come over to hang out with him. i have no need to sit in the middle being the center of attention, so i do my thing.

i guess socially that is wrong. stupid people.

theoretically? no

thunder claps
rain falls
vegas floods

after a couple of really dreamy days that had all the postcard photographers running for the buttes, we've got rain again.

well, part of vegas has rain. we, here in the south of the city, have thunder.

doc was gone when i got up so i'm hoping he went to work early and won't be caught in the rain.

since i am inside and comfy, let it come.

oooh, and lightning, too. that got chloe out of the window. these cats only fear weather and the bottom of the steps. and jack has just assured me he has no fear of weather, but i think he's bluffing. he acts like a bully, but he's the very definition of a scaredy cat.

each and every minute

i cannot distract myself and this is getting old. i have been counting down the hours until doc's return since four. that is four and a half hours.

during the really bad day last week i journalled offline all day, counting down each hour until he got home. i tried to read, i need to go to the library.

i lay down to sleep, sleep passes time, but i just lay there thinking and that is what i want to avoid, thinking. being inside my head, i am so sick of inside my head. i need to make some friends, heh. and unless i really have to i don't want to drug myself into sleep. i end up taking far too much seroquel doing that and i'm supposed to be weaning myself off of that drug. but it does put me out like a light. the only reason i still take it at night is so i can sleep.

90 minutes. i am so lame.

sleeping beauty

so after the hassle that was selling the first vintage sleeping beauty LP covered blank journal, i made myself a second one. this one features the prince leaning over her after the kiss. in keeping with my unintentional disney princess collection, i am keeping this journal for me.

there are a couple more i want to make using records i really really loved. in keeping with that i think i'm going to keep the trinket box i made out of the U2 "unforgettable fire" LP cover.

i want to nap but i think i'm waiting for Q to come pick up some toys for his kid. she destroys everything she touches, so i have some new stuff for her. i'm just not sure if he's coming over before doc gets off work or after. and if i nap i won't hear him. god my life is so hard. i'll make a couple more books.

oh yeah that man

i said, "the car is working!" as we sped past the airport.

he replied, "that's because this is a dream, baby!"

i love it when he calls me baby.

and it was a dream, though i may go out and tinker with the car for a bit today.

gods, how did i fall in love with this man? i had sworn off all relationships, especially with men. i know the girl i was dating left for DC and he was just there and we laughed so hard we cried for six months before we realized what we were hip deep in.

we've gone through what i think is normal relationship stuff. days we couldn't stand the sight of each other. though those don't come so often anymore. 2004 taught us what we were worth to each other. almost losing him tamed my shrew a lot.

now we stand and bicker and one of us will always just start laughing in the middle of it. then we laugh until we cry again.

a fortune teller told me once he was the one. and i've seen no need to prove her wrong.

i get where i want to leave him because i think his life would be better without me. but if i reverse that i see no sense in it. we are opposites that just go together too well. there just is no reason to break up the set, the team, the duo.

so we can't go to the double down together, and he will likely never take me to a punk show. he tried it, hated it and that is all i ever wanted from him.

Cenk Uygur: If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong

The Blog | Cenk Uygur: If You're a Christian, Muslim or Jew - You are Wrong | The Huffington Post: "Have I offended you? That's too bad. Stop killing each other in the name of false and ridiculous Gods and I will stop ridiculing you. Trust me, your offense is much worse than mine."

good article, great perspective. i often think of ancient egyptians or greeks and wonder why their religions didn't make it. maybe it was the many gods thing. but put them all in the same perspective and they all look pretty silly.

well gosh darn it

another meaningless detail in my daily wanderings through the rooms of my apartment . . .

i ate like a pig today. i went to make the lamb chops doc brought home with some fresh cilantro only to find that both had turned. doc needs to stop getting me meat on sale, i never eat it within the day of time i have.

so instead i had soft boiled eggs . . . then i had four day old white pizza . . . and finally a pair of enchiladas. ack! that is a week's worth of food for me. i guess i should be glad it wasn't all chips and dip, but still, lotsa food for me.

bored now

kitchen is clean and paper products have been made. the mess from that has even been cleaned up. the laundry has been folded, too. and i finished that journal and scanned it. i have to post the scans in the appropriate lj community.

i have this thing in my head that has been rattling around. it is a letter to someone that i have a million questions for but if i write it down i may actually let that person see it and i know the potential for a bloody mess when i see it. i have to think of a way to fictionalize things. wow, if i could do that, the trouble i would have avoided.

what do you do when someone for whatever reason, makes you feel like jumping around and taking in big gulps of life?

okay, that was a stupid question. even i would say "do it" with that description.

there is so much conflict between the past and the present. and so many gaps. and why the interest? do i miss the rush of adolescent feelings? intense as they were, they always led you into trouble. and i didn't lose that until i was 25 or so, and there may even be some of it left.

some would say, and rightly so, that i need to get out, have a drink and laugh my ass off. laugh until it hurts. laugh over stupid things.

is it the laughter i miss? even when it was scarce, the laughter was always intense. maybe it is the laughter i have been chasing after.

the one thing i know, aside from being bored, is that i have to not chase things.

breakthrough

using my trusty printer/copier i finally broke the blockage for the literature journal i'm working on. i did three pages, if i can find my pooh bear books, i'll add a couple more pages.

the other art journal should be easy, i'm thinking color themed pages, which is easy to do, i'm in a mosaic mood.

in a less creative vein, i'm in charge of cleaning the kitchen today since i want to make paper and doc and i have very different views of what a clean kitchen is.

i found a book i had torn up for pulp and a bunch of purple office folders cut up for the same purpose, that i had no idea i had prepared. to save time i'm going to cook it up instead of the two day soaking i usually do. then i'm going to make some very thin paper. thin enough to make another book with it. i've only made one book from paper i've made, well one useable book, i've made several art books out of my paper. and i love the look of it. so it is time to make another.

the kitchen cleaning is just a meaningless chore before i do the paper. and i say 'huzzah' to galley kitchens because no matter how bad you mess them up it never takes more than a half an hour to make it right.

i have a bunch of nag champa dust, i wonder how that would be in the paper . . . hmmmm.

my monday

seeing doc off to work gives me a sense of accomplishment. though today, since he made the coffee, not so big as other days when i have coffee ready when he wakes up. i only woke up a few minutes before him today, rare, nice.

the dreams have stopped. for now. i still don't know what was causing them, they stopped right before the last episode started. so maybe they are a precursor, though since this episode was a result of lexapro withdrawl, i don't know how my dreams would have known i was going to run out when i didn't even know it.

the rain of last week has gone and left everything a more vivid color of whatever it was. i think this is my favorite part of rain here. the way it seems to bring everything out of the background. dirt is richer in color, the plants get some green back, more flowers spring out of the desert plants all around. and it happens so quickly after a day of rain.

in doing my weekly check out of the cats, i discovered that hank really is losing weight. his legs are a bit less flabby and his belly is tightening up and leaving extra skin. leeloo as well. and meanwhile jack is still the muscular teen and chloe doesn't seem worse off for it (she's the smallest and the skinniest, she stoped growing in teen phase and never got any bigger or fatter), so that, along with the radical decrease in puking and begging for human food, i'm pleased with the food change. the most interesting thing is that none of them have any interest in milk anymore, and they were all milk beggars before the food change. hooray for iams multicat.

kam316 online art gallery

kam316 online art gallery

new art galleries up, check out number 8

though my personal faves are the "boxed" set (7); the string theory series rocks my proverbial socks.

black thumb

you may remember that our local dollar store has plants. none of them have names, but most of them are really hearty.

doc brought home one that looked like one of those that will creep around the room, possibly a rhodedendron, but it was sticking straight up. in the last week or so it has started to flop over, which makes me hope the leaves, which are enlongated heart shaped and slightly waxy, will thicken up and this will be a nice hearty houseplant.

because frankly, i don't do well with plants. robert the plant was triplets, but two died and the one stalk stands lonely in the record bowl it is planted in while i wait for the dollar store to get ivy back in.

though i have had great luck with two snake plants (palm like leaves that grow straight up and are pointy at the tips) i planted into the same pot that seem to be growing and sharing very nicely. the lighter one, the one that needs more light, is growing just slightly faster than the darker one, shielding it from too much sun, i just think that is so cute.

Stop Poking Me Lady by Cydniey Buffers

Stop Poking Me Lady by Cydniey Buffers

did i tell you i published a book of poetry? yeah, i did. so there's something else i have done (i'm making a list in my head).

spring flowers

i thought i'd perk up everyone's weekend with some spring pictures

my hair is cute

doc called it "punky and cute" and reminded me he will never use those two words in the same sentence again.

i like it. short but long. the top is long enough to cover the akwardness of the sides growing out, when i will have wings for a couple of months. there is a strategy to getting my long hair back. it involves a lot of hats and one orange wig.

i have spent much time today just being still and quiet. i turned on sims and watched it run for a while. i just decorate and make sure the pets are fed, the rest is up to the sims once i enhance their personalities. no one drown, though one male trapped himself in the study, how i don't know.

i have another computer to put together now. or do i just enhance computer number 2? that may be best. just slave the new drive. that will make the machine with the bonus video card have a big HD and will make it feel better about itself. plus i could put the design suite of programs on that machine and work in the studio. that might be nice and will be better on my concentration.

here's a toast to miami, may it stay dry-ish.

oh and i must stop to note that doc made us poisoned brownies. which is really funny because doc is a great baker, much much better than me, though i would never admitt that to him. he made them (poisoned brownies) in the square deep pan and they didn't quite cook through and we both got some mild food poisoning. suffice it to say that i have sworn off brownies for a while.

somewhere deep

somehwere deep in the recesses of the office here are at least two amazon.com packages. i hope. one i ordered myself, the other someone else ordered for me. ups only occasionally stops at the actual doors of the apartments and tend to just leave the packages with no notice up at the office.

i did the dishes! yay! i've been out of bed all day. i even replaced the lightbulbs that burned out in my room so i have lighting other than the white string lights strewn across the ceiling. that also helps burn out lightbulbs so i can make vases out of them (don't ask, go to craftster.org and search for them).

because the sun always comes back

today is a much better day. my brain chemistry has settled down enough that i can think clearly again.

the past few days have been mild and autumn like. we even got some rain. today we have scattered clouds and a light cool breeze. not bad for the desert.

we got more nag champa yesterday. the box is sitting open on my desk and it is all i can smell. delightful. peaceful and savory smell, i love this stuff.

promise

if i have to sell my soul, i will not go without my medications again.

liar liar

i promised myself all would be better by now.

it isn't. doc is asleep and i only have two more days to wait until it does get better.

yeah right. cutting is a promise i can keep. slice myself up until the blood runs clear. that is something i can do. everything else is out of my hands. i hate relying on other people for EVERYFUCKINGTHING.

and they can sleep through the night while i sit here weeping trying out sharp things.

but i'm talking to a wall and it isn't making me feel any better. the more of myself i put out there, the more there is to be completely disregarded.

from the depths of chemical imbalance

every thing is just as fine

everything is just as fine as it has been for the last few days. better, in fact becuase your check came in the mail yesterday. what you are feeling is chemical. and that is all it is. it has no power over you. all it can do is make you uncomfortable but it is not permanent and 12 hours from now will be a distant memory. so you need to chill out, just focus on something or go back to sleep for a while and let it play over you without involving you. if you react to this you can only make things worse and no matter what you do, you will be alive tomorrow to live with what you do today. so pull out a coloring book and sit down and shut up and behave yourself. this is only temporary, and somewhere inside you know that. hold on to that.

alternately titled: fuck the scientologists and live another day without regret

or

audit my ass (which has a double meaning, as my mother was some sort of auditor early in my life and isn't as vicious as the last alternate title)

hoping and wishing

since the rain has now started in earnest, i am hoping that doc forgoes my script and just accepts a ride home.

the light show is divine as always. the air is still clear, not at all heavy like it was around the afternoon.

i just watched 'hideaway' for something to do. it was even less scary than i remember it. i really just bought it years ago for the soundtrack.

yesterday's lesson: never hit the wall at an angle, the wall will always win.

i've been working on these dreams i've been having. i used to be decent at lucid dreaming and could pull myself out of almost anything. none of that works with these. and aside from the house and ensemble cast, everything that is fucked up to me happens all over me in these dreams and i can't take it.

i didn't eat yesterday and i didn't have a nightmare. i haven't eaten today and don't plan to, and maybe that is the connection. these dreams are threatening my waking life in a way that i can't express. but i know it is dangerous. i feel myself slipping back to that house when i unfocus my eyes. or i will see something on the dream desk and hallucinate it on my desk, and not understand until i grab it. and i grab nothing and look around sheepishly.

subject jump

there was one who i thought was the first to understand me, but i was relieved to find he didn't understand me, just my need to be me. only doc has ever done that as well.

the coffee is cold now until i drink it, then it is warm to my lips and sweet. the water too.

not anymore tonight i slip i slide.

plants

i put all my plants in the window of my bedroom. the twins from the living room have really grown. i know this isn't practical and i will have to spend two days not sleeping training the cats to stay down, but it is worth it. i feel better with them in here.

blather

you take the zombie to cover the psycho
you take the speed to cover the zombie
you take the tranq to cover the speed
you take the moods to cover the tranq

and you only briefly ever wonder how bad that psycho was that started all this.

and no solid food plays a part in this. the only thing that stops the stomach from screaming out the coffee is exercise. exercise is the only thing that can get me up and moving.

i've been losing time. but only a few hours a day and nothing bad has been done during these times. that day is going easier each day that passes.

and today is one of glorious rain. not downpours (not yet), just enough on the breeze to wet down the oily roads. i love that smell.

the grey of the sky is wonderfully offset by the translucent window hangings that kam316 sent me. she's so clever.

almost time

to GET UP and make myself some coffee.

today is a rain day. all the windows open, charged air whirling through our rooms and noses. i don't think doc is as happy about it as i am, he may have to be in the rain, ick. but on a personal level it is just at the right time.

how i do it

because there are times, like today, that i do it, and i need to remember how it was done.

firstly, the issue: bluesey, teary, vacant, unmotivated, uninspired

second, the first solution: curl up in a corner of the bed with some 346 stuffed animals and listen to endless loops of 80s music.

and lastly, the most important thing, what really works: GET UP. stand up. lift your arms or bend your legs, pretend you have a cramp. a really really BAD cramp. now i'm up, i may as well do something.

DO SOMETHING. anything. put out a roach trap. throw away the paper towel wadded up on the counter. something simple. change the toilet paper roll. i need something to drink. okay, then make myself some tea or a nice pot of coffee. surely i can be bothered for a few seconds to in exchange, not have the metal taste in my mouth all day. oh look, the cats need water and here i am at the water dispenser. while waiting for the interminable brewing of the coffee i putter around the kitchen or living room, feeding off of the smell of the interminable brewing of the coffee.

that is how i did it today. not to say i didn't lose a few hours to the corner of my bed, but i didn't pull the stuffed animals out of storage and i couldn't be bothered to put the weepy music on.

now i'm about to go have the first cup of coffee from that pot and while i'm up, i'll hang the thai cloth.

suddenly i've done things, there is a momentum (no matter how small seeming) i have built up without knowing it, the next thing is easier to move on to and to finish while looking forward to redoing my to do list over that cup of coffee. suddenly, i am alive again.

i live in a box

i made myself a box! i made it from the police's synchronicity LP. the red and the blue are most prominent, it goes with my room, and i needed a new trinket box. i have leather cuffs that don't fit into regular jewelry boxes. and i have a great cigar box i did, the lid is all multicolored seadbeads embedded in clear varnish and it is lined with leopart print rug, i love it. but i loose small things in the liner and i want to separate what i wear often from what i don't. so i made myself a box.

meanwhile the thai cloth with fish that hung in the living room has just been discovered to match the red and blue in my bedspread and the yellow in my pooh bears. so my task today is to:

hang fish cloth
oh, and
put lights up in bathroom
hang collages in bathroom

there.

i give up

i woke up to an angry email in my box. that's nice, people should do that for everyone, really everybody should wake up to hate and anger.

a journal i shipped shipped late. and the woman is really upset. i'm trying to understand. i've offered her a refund to try to keep my feedback from being marred but i think i am too late. i've never had a customer like this before.

and apparently the quality of the book i sent (and she bought one of the sleeping beauty vintage journals) is not acceptable. "reeking of smoke".

i'm paniking because i don't want the bad feedback and am convinced that one bad mark will ruin my ebay business prospects altogether.

the only good thing about this is that the day can only get better.

HAMSTER FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN OFFICIAL HOME PAGE

HAMSTER FOR PRESIDENT CAMPAIGN OFFICIAL HOME PAGE
my Boo looks like the candidate, if they win, maybe Boo can get work as a presidential impersonator.

of course, we all know this goes beyond a hamster's natural life, especially if they get a degree first.

oh, and i want a black hamster someday. Bupkes is just too cute for vp.

you ruined it with vegetables

doc has been in the kitchen like a mad chemist. i went in for a faceful of fresh vegetable broth and a whif of the basmatti rice he was planning to cook in it.

later he comes into my room in "impress you enough to make you eat" and happily describes the process and i said "yum" up until he told me he added vegetables to it. real vegetables. in chunk form. a variety of them, ick.

a few minutes later he comes to me with a bowl of rice, with all the vegetables but the carrots and peas picked out and a nice fat pat of butter for it.

i love him.

and i loved the rice too. just not in the same way.

a collage

one of the mini collages i made with a lovely flash white out over one of the corners

from kam316

snail mail love! first, a new shower curtain, which really spruced up my bathroom.


and then two pieces of art with jewelry, brilliant!! one, i hung using the jewelry, the other i immediately added metal eyelets to and hung with clear line.




and yes, i saved the bracelet and will send it to you this week. i now have the money to send the snail mail love to a couple of people this week.

the one thing i suck at is hanging things . . . like the small collages i've been doing. i want to hang them in my bathroom. i guess i'll do the eyelet thing with them and hang them that way. it seems to be the ready solution to hanging small flat things. and they look cool, everything needs a bit of metal now and again.

i'm not touching you

such a quiet day. both computers being used, how cute we are.

the floor is clean so i can work out now. and no one is in the room, further facilitating that. so why am i not working out?

since i can't answer that, i'm going to go work out.

my room is an allergy free zone

we even shop vac-ed the ceiling. every nook and cranny. then the febreeze allergen reducer everywhere on the floor. i did the bed the other day.

i think now doc is going to wet clean the living room carpet. his days off are such fun for him. ;}

it smells so nice in here.

waking makes up for the dreams

i got all misty eyed watching the voting in iraq. and doc and i started talking about it and i realized, i would rather (and this is chickenshit of me, i know) live suppressed than in a wild west world. i would rather have the electricity and running water. i'm not saying i would prefer the afghanistan taliban world, but i would rather political oppression (like as a member of the lower class i have much of a voice now) than anarchy.

and that is what they have. intermitent power, soldiers from other places roaming around with weapons, shit blowing up out of nowhere, people blowing themselves up . . . they had to shut down the country to have a safe vote.

in all i'm glad i'm here not there. i still have no idea if they are better off. i think if we could know that we would be less conflicted about it.

and talking about it is way better than talking about my paranoid frustration dreams.

i marvel that doc and i are still able to talk and to laugh. at one this morning we were still laughing about the head banging episode after i banged it off the wall trying to get comfortable while watching TV. the laws of physics and i just don't get along very well. inertia i think is my worst enemy.

i don't even know

i just told him, "i don't even know how to blog this," as i adjusted the ice pack on my head. this set off a new set of giggling.

i was on the bed, we were wrestling and messing around and i ended up being the dead weight he was dragging off the bed. in the last instant he noticed the cat in his path and zigged. my head zagged, off his knee. ow. he had no idea at this point because i was laughing so hard that i couldn't tell him so he continues to get my straw man acting butt up off the floor, since i am no longer on the bed. ow.

okay, this is what we get for acting like 8 year olds. we are not as resiliant. but i'll take a wrestling accident to the "accidents" of my past any day of the week.

the ice pack is melting down the back of my neck now, oh fresh new hell this is.

so why can't we stop laughing?

jack

art, dammit

i made another collage last night before doc got home and proudly showed them off to him.

he said he couldn't see them being sellable. i told him they weren't meant to be, they were art.

i need to find a part time job that won't end up a disaster so i can go back to making art again.

i churned out another book. yay. they mean nothing to me if they don't sell and with the time and love i put into them, well that is a growing pile of stuff with no love. i can't even appreciate the individual piece, i have to price it and post it. i'd be a bit more impressed with myself if i was writing them, not building them.

so there is frustration, but not a lot because it is a beautiful day. i mean really. low to no humidity, mellow temps. just the slightest hint of a breeze. leeloo is at my feet, i can hear jack and chloe fighting and doc is snoring and all is well with the world.

today

today has been much better. i cleaned, made art, made my bed, made a book and answered some email.

i also pimped my self all over craft communities in lj land for a bit of a self confidence boost. which i got, i only show my most neato-est stuff in these coms.

my skin is adapting to the lotion and needing less of it each day. so far today only one application. my arms look so different, though. i didn't realize the flaking skin made them look paler. i actually have a lot of freckles on my forearms, which i never knew.

of course it makes the scars show up more. gods what was i thinking? each time? why is there never anyone around to kick me in the head when i do this shit. i kick myself in the head now, but wow, i did some damage. i never went for deep, i was always about the big bloody show. christ.

but today went fast. i only took a one hour nap. and i got stuff done that may offset not going out to get the mail. ever since going out the other morning i have felt better inside the house, not really even caring for sitting on the steps with the cats in the evening.

but today was better. i want to impress that upon my writing so i know later on in life. since, yes, i will eventually copy and paste it all into a word document to be edtited for pertinent long term things and burned to CD for posterity. which will be my cats. but hey, if they learn to read they may want to know what the fuck i was thinking.

no weather here

i think we'll call back east tonight. doc has a sister in new jersey and i haven't looked at a map to see if she is being washed away. so we should call and see if everything is all right.

what is it with the east and weather? you're right, i shouldn't generalize, i have friends playing in the snow in CO as well. and we, as usual, are completely without and burp skip or giggle in the weather.

it cooled down enough to keep the windows open and the a/c off. and, seemingly comfortable with our valley, that is what has stayed.

and i won't complain. i hate the snow. i love that when it rains here, it rains straight down so you can keep the windows open. i love that there is no humidity aside from the valley's pools and lawns giving off their moisture.

this prose is getting too flowery for me and since i don't know how i wrote or thought myself into it, i'm just going to stop here.

shots

playing card purse mentioned earlier


my bed is now made and happy, the pillowcase that doesn't match is my noah's ark pillow case, which is my favorite.

forget what you know

strawberry soda is god.

and i don't even like strawberries. really. but the soda is god.

i've got the lotion thing down to three times a day. a new thing is it itches when it is dry now. it never used to do that before. so as soon as i scratch, i put new lotion on.

part of me wants to get some sun this summer. but i know i won't. i can't be in the sun long enough to get color. i'll faint or become an uber bitch with a side of disorientation.

i'll keep my natural alabaster glow. it has taken years to eliminate any trace of tanline and get my skin all one color with only natural changes in hue here or there. red cheeks, tannish forearms, blue eyes. only the genetic gifts.

this will sound so silly if i ever get plastic surgery. though i know they only way i would have a sticky tan sprayed on is if they sedated me and shaved me down completely before hand.

febreeze

i just febreezed the hell out of my bed and throw pillows. then i'll make my bed properly, since it is now cool enough at night to use the comforter. the room smells nice.

once the bed is put together and it isn't so early, i'll vacuum the room and do more allergen reducer on the carpet. but i really think doing the bed was the best idea.

doc is out getting me soda and smokes before he goes to work. his clocks were one and two hours fast, so he had enough time. i'm just grateful that tomorrow is his day off so he will be home with me. how selfish is that?

blarderblarblarderblar

only an hour left.

i'm burping up the tuna sandwhich.

i lay down for a nap but it never came.

tv is so stupid, at least until lost is on. though i forget what time. i'll check at 8 just in case.

i listed some stuff on ebay. not as much as i should have, but more than i had done. and i cleaned the kitchen almost. i emptied the dishwasher, something doc has been wanting me to do. i kept getting distracted.

really random thoughts keep occuring to me and distracting me from what i am doing or thinking. i guess when i start to spurt the stuff out loud it is time for concern. until then it just takes longer to get things done.

i got this far

without sleeping i got to 5pm.

i made a purse out of playing cards. and a box that can be used as a purse, that i may use as a purse just to make a point since the playing card one just isn't me.

to spend the next three hours. i break it into increments. charmed is on until 6. then news until 7. then stargate sg1 until 8. or, if that is all a wash, zorro until 7:30 and maybe again until 9. doc will be home by then.

heh, i made a purse out of playing cards! i just did it to see if i could. maybe i'll fill it with some sort of silk flower arrangement.

i have a metal lunchbox that is plain and i'm turning that into a real planter, i'm hoping it rusts up nicely.

should i put a shelf across my window for my plants that is out of the cat's reach and in optimum light? no. i like them spread out.

yummmmmmmmmmm

tuna salad
some sort of hearty bread
cheddar cheese
alfalfa sprouts (lots of them)
shaved vidalia onion
bit o' mayo
--------------
heaven for my tongue and tummy

this issue is a new couch

a sofa bed is about to find its way into my life. okay then. i get rid of the loveseat i hate. if it is comfortable, i mean no bar in the middle of the back or anything

(fangirl interruption: naveen, who plays sayid on lost (my favorite character), is on ellen being silly)

then i'll just put it in here. the futon will go back into the living room and apparently i will be eating the shelves i fought so hard to anchor to the wall while it was full.

the prospect of a new bed is very interesting. i'm getting to the point where the futon is painful and doc's bed is beat and has a rut in it. hell, if the sofa is comfy enough i'll never unfold the thing, which would give me a lot more floor space. then i can go back to sleeping alone because as much as i love doc i hate sharing a sleep space.

i made a box today. from an old punk record, indie style. i made cool glass feet for it, lined it and put a handle on the top. i could, if i wanted to badly enough, make a purse out of it, but i made it for myself. it is a personal thing. i'm saving the liner notes, photocopied onto large paper, and the phone number of the lead singer, i had a crush on, and framing them for my punk rock framed wall. this will eventually feature the rob zombie and crass unfolded record sleeve.

i suck at card games

yes. yes i do. i live in las vegas, you would think even a little of that would have rubbed off. we were brought up mormon, but we had cards around, my parents played cribbage all the time.

we even had casino video games, from black jack and poker on atari.

i retained none of it.

a few years ago, a friend of doc's and doc himself taught me how to play poker. i won. turns out being constantly goofy is a good way to bluff some people.

i retained nothing.

so i'm at the camel site, and they are doing a promotion having to do with casinos and lots of needless flash components and the gist of it is that there is an auction area, with some delicious digital cameras (of course the current month's camel cash items are suck, again) and ipods, but the cameras are the thing. i don't need one but it would be cool.

i've earned some credits by buying special pack deals at the store, and you can count up your camel cash that has chips on it (right, which are mixed in with 3,000+ regular, no-chip cash slips) and send it in, or play in a flash casino.

i figured poker was impossible, i follow tv poker like i do hockey, which is not a linear thing. but black jack, i can do that, there are some rules that put luck on your side.

bull shit. see, this is why i put a quarter in the sid vicious machines at the hard rock but don't go near the tables unless i spy an outfit or piece of jewelry i want to see better. it is why las vegas is the perfect place for me. i hate gambling. i give you money and you may give me more but will more likely take it? if a person came up to me with that offer i would punch them in the head. and slot machines have less charisma than people. so they are at a natural disadvantage.

my cult-like group of undying four followers know that i have won big amounts of money. i have walked up to a machine and paid the rent, or, more frequently, been able to go out to a really good meal. but they have also seen what i see in the resort/hotel/casinos here, bright shiny everything!

some time soon i will post one or two photo tours of some of my favorite casinos. man, i even have video of it. the most precious video is the first time i was here as an adult, my parents had a camera, so my brother and doc got some shots of me just in a state of bliss walking around the strip.

ahhhh. i need to make new memories here, these, though good, are fading, losing their gilt around the harder edges.

the sims as therapy

i'm thinking maybe i'll hook up the simcity2000 that S trash picked and brought me.

i didn't take a xanax when doc left this morning. i had promised myself i wouldn't. taking an extra one just to see him off is just not an option for me.

so now i have a machine with the sims running all the time. so i just sat down in the darkish studio and finished redecorating the downstairs of the house i am working on. and i feel much better now. it took longer than the drug would have but it means more because the drug was blown off.

then i made myself a pot of cinnamon coffee as a reward.

and i think i'm up for the super multi tasking of ebay listing today. so that will be a good thing to report having done at the end of the day.

well then

my absolute failure this morning, amazingly enough, didn't get me down long. i've made a book and photographed everything i needed to.

i'm trying to figure out if i can do the ebay dance and get the 26 items that are ready up and for sale. i have stuff i could get the paypal button codes for mnj, i should do that, i know i can do that. ebay takes three open programs to do the way i do, and a lovely ballet ensues between windows and it only takes one stupid overlooked thing to fuck it all up. yea, i don't think i'm up for that, mnj coding it is.

or/and i could always make more books.

three cigarettes for the day. RARR. i just lit 2. 3 was split up and ultimately took three hours to smoke. i just made a new pot of coffee and since the water came back on, did a load of my own laundry. mine gets downsorted because i don't leave the house. sometimes i'll grab it all and strip and wash all of it and not have to bother again for a couple of weeks. so long as i wash the odd unders here and there, since i don't have 14 pair.

it's amazing how the coffee doesn't disrupt my ability to sleep. i could take a xanax now and be out until 5. i'll wait a couple of hours, right before i start to jones for a smoke. i like the way you can plan for these things with drugs.

it was a grand plan

i awoke early today and felt pretty good.

so i packed up my messenger bag, set up my walkman, grabbed the stuff to be mailed and set out to get cigarettes, soda and mail stuff.

i was on foot, the air was brisk, all was good.

i went for the smokes first. card declined. embarassing, but i can live with it.

then the mail. card declined. i had them check it before actually marking the postage since i had no alternative way to pay for things.

i know the money is on the card. i don't know what the deal is. but i walked a mile today and i have nothing to show for it but sweat.

it is so much easier to try to run errands myself and be a little self sufficient if basic weird things don't happen.

doc will take the card when he wakes up and i'm sure, use it without incident on the way home tonight at 9.

i was so proud, i was gonna set myself up for the day and be independent. now i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself and weeping.

no, i can't let the cover the fact that i had a nice walk listening to my music and that in itself is a good thing. i got home okay, though i was a bit confused with the sun in my face, must remember to wear sunglasses if i do that again.

ass hats

the world is full of them.

gallery au go go is closing down. the people who didn't support it, like the moderators in a certain lj community are the asshats (we will not even go into how the very same moderators asked me to post the closing notice to their community - right).

so first friday is the only art scene really going in vegas now. i guess i need to start getting there from now on and schmoozing the way for kam316 to get into one of the galleries.

i have a whole other list of asshats, but i'm over the mood now.

so i don't forget

i just took half a seroquel because xanax is doing nothhing for me right now. it is the middle of the day. my hope is i sleep some of it away.

i played sims and was again amazed that it played like a cartoon and not a comic book. i'm in the rewallpapering and flooring phase and teaching my sims manners with the computer cheat thing i have. yes, i play it the easy way. i'm in it for the design and occasional meaningless murder of a fake person in a pool. i admitt it.

maybe

maybe today i'll play with my spirograph. i want to fill a journal with spirograph drawings. a few years ago i went on a hunt for and got a 1969 spirograph set complete on ebay. all i need are some pens. or maybe i can use really sharp colored pencils. i need to make fun art and even though i have set aside days to do so recently, i haven't.

and i need it. i keep getting up and laying down and getting up and sitting here and wandering around the house. it wears me out. and i am so not a bed person. i hate bed. i hate horizontal. and i hate daytime tv too much to make a fort in the corner of my bed and be happy there.

i have to get my library books back and get some books to actually read. i'm pretty sure i know anne rice's stuff better than her now.

got to find a used book store.

got to make something pretty for me.

skin

i have dry skin. i also have strange hair folicles on my arms and legs, they point all different ways, not up the way they should. no doctor has ever diagnosed me, and i know it is hereditary, from my father's shallow gene pool (that's the mormon side).

but when i put most (as in all but one i have found that are in my price range) lotions, my arms and legs break out and rampant exremity acne is uncool.

i finally found a lotion that doesn't make me break out, aveeno daily moisturizing lotion. and to keep my arms hydrated throughout the day, i need to put it on at least five times a day. not a lot, just often.

so the last few days i have enjoyed smooth arms that don't flake skin. kind of neat. though it has made ths scar tissue stick out a lot.

when i was a kid i compulsively picked at my skin, so the top of my lower arms are mostly light scar tissue from that picking, and then there are the scars i made that are now white stripes of accusation.

hey, but my elbows are soft and i'm not so flaky!

the search still continues for the face lotion. but since i haven't spent time in the sun for literally years, my face is so far, nicely preserved.

goddess bless livejournal

i was going to go on a big outing to the post office today. in reading lj, i found out it is a federal holiday. i'm glad i know because that would really have sucked. really.

i talked to doc about my thoughts yesterday on my sister's death. he just looked at me and said my name in that tone. it was much easier to believe once he got home and i talked to him because of course he was all about the questions.

didn't M call the coroner and confirm it?

why would your sister lie to you, she sat with you in the hospital when you were naked and had obscenities written all over your body in black sharpie and kept pulling out your own IV, why would she do that if she was lying?

he didn't bother bringing up that i talked online to a number of her friends, because, well, that has bitten me in the ass. hell, it was contact from a "friend" of my siblings that drove me out of lj.

that didn't sound right, didn't drive me away, i still use it. but not like i did. and i don't trust anything to do with strangers at all anymore, even if they do know details that i hunger for, or tell me they do. that was a weakness. i wanted to know more about kasey so much i let my guard down. but the whole scene made me think harder about lj and the sense of community there and how that wasn't what i was looking for. i want a place to post how i feel and i don't care how many people read it and i don't want to feel that there is a regular audience i'm playing for, as it were. i just want to write my shit down without the groupthink. because i am way too easily effected by groupthink, i am and always will be the girl who reaches to the in crowd because that is what she's supposed to do, not because she cares for anyone in that crowd.

this is so cool

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Photo Gallery (Water Bridge)

a water bridge outside of berlin

it was only a matter of time really

WorldNetDaily: Robertson: Disasters point to 2nd Coming

i wish the holy lord of christians would come soon and let the rest of us get on with our lives.

goes on and on

the more i think about it the easier it is to believe that my sister doesn't really love me and my other sister didn't really die but is still alive and part of hurting me like this. like it is all a lie. my sister doesn't care about me, just lying to keep tabs on me.

i have so much evidence to the contrary of this, which i'd like to note, is the truth. kasey is dead, i have reunited with my other sister and she calls me often to see how i am.

so why is it so easy for me to believe? is that the part that makes me crazy? the part that makes things up and makes me believe them even though i know it is wrong?

and in a few days i may not believe the truth any longer at all. or a few weeks or maybe never. but the seed is planted and it has been obsessing me all day. to the point where i lay in bed for three hours trying not to think about it and thinking of nothing else.

why is it easier for me to believe kasey is alive and the rest of my family have gone this far to fool me. but they are that crazy. i know them. but that doesn't make me any less insane. so where do i find the truth float to cling to? or do i prove my strenght and control over my mind's tricks by holding myself up and just taking things at face value?

i don't think my medication is doing it. or maybe it is the ephidrine. if i'm active and alert i'm at risk for psychotic symptoms? or am i just nervous about being home alone after doc being home with me for two weeks. i can give myself more seroquel, maybe i should bite the side effects bullet and just take the shit. i've been halving it. lucidity should not be this startling. plus i'm not taking care of things like i should. i did most of my to do list and may do more before doc gets home, but this wild speculation is time consuming. i've lost chunks of time today.

notepad

a new use for me for notepad: dynamic to do list. wow, it works for me, too.

i sorted my inventory and realized i only have 1/3 of my jewelry actively listed. i have to fix that. some will go to mnj and the rest up on ebay. i give up on etsy.com for now. my charity stuff sold, that is enough for me. but i want things as consolidated as possible, and three sites with listings is too spread out for me. two is enough.

are hoop earrings even in anymore? i have a lot of hoop earrings with small beads and trinkets on them to list. and one sterling earring necklace set that i have been wondering why it hasn't sold . . . right, not listed. must be fixing things like that, bad business cyd.

feels like monday

i just saw doc off to his first day of his new job. and there was an anticipation and happiness i never saw with the last one. he looked so smart on his way to the bus stop.

damn, i forgot to give him the library books, the bus goes by the library at the same place he has to get off this evening and run some errands.

and i really hope he was looking at a sunday schedule for the bus. i don't know if it matters here, but in other cities i've made that mistake too many times. even if he didn't and it somehow goes sideways, he has his phone and can call a cab. he won't like it but he'll get to work.

my sister is a trip. displaced by a natural disaster, she is in a new city and living a new life. goddess love that child and her strength. her SO must be a lot like doc. very supportive and open to her brand of thinking. that is what makes doc and i so close and she is enough like me that i think he must be really cool like that. of course i have met him but never gotten to know him. he and doc got on well and they seemed a really good match. and that continues. she is just amazing, my little sister.

daylight

i'm second guessing the brief amount of work i did for mnj last night. my memory is shit.

i also need to contact my webhost and figure out where i went wrong with the DNS on the site, i couldn't get to anything i uploaded last night. i'm pretty sure it was a fuckup at my end, i just don't know where.

arrgh

i hate it when i space on things that are important.

is 'frankness' a word?

why does everything sound so strange coming out of geraldo rivera's mouth?

The Fifth Element (1997)

The Fifth Element (1997)

yes i do believe i can watch this movie indefinitely.

i lucked out of the spare HD, but i still have the one i had to start with! and sims is working splendidly, that machine will be able to do sims and the cam, since chillcam uses almost no resources. yay!!

i made hot wings for the guys and enchiladas for me and whoever else wants them. now i'm waiting for the guys to get home.

doc alerted me that since he is taking the bus, he will be gone 12 hours each day he works. oh. okay. i need a smail. if it weren't for the 5 day a week sentence, i'd find a daycare type thing, where they make you talk in a group and do art therapy and you don't have to stay the night.

our new insurance is union insurance, that might be possible. if we could just get me onto a bus. i don't understand my fear, i used a bus exclusively for a few years in pittsburgh, and back in san diego when i was much younger. i never had a problem even on the subway in new york, though i was with my mom and that whole event was an oscar worthy performance by me of me maintaining my sanity while with the woman who did me so much damage in the middle of NYC. i grew up with LA as the big city and i only experienced the suburbs. i think she was hoping i would run away. but i played nice and wore my laura bloody ashley clothes she liked to put me in. we were mistaken for lovers in an unfortunate event in greenwhich village. really, nothing is as traumatizing as flirting with a girl and her mistaking you and your mom as lovers. unfortunate.

where are the guys?

ole

or mole, whichever you choose.

when i moved here and had access to mole and good avacados and decent corn tortillas, i used what i learned managing the mexican place in west chester and hovering in the kitchen, and perfected enchiladas.

specifically, cheese and onion enchiladas baked in mole sauce and presented with fresh guacamole and sour cream. made with queso blanco (which cheese, farmers cheese, monterey jack will work), limes (for to squeeze the juice over the hot enchiladas and make the sizzle when they come out of the oven) and fresh cilantro.

so i'm making the mega enchilada feast tonight. i want to feed B, who has provided me this week with such hardware. whenever i can, i pay it back in home made food.

doc is in cleaning the kitchen so i can go mess it right up again.

laugh laugh laugh

i come in here and check blogs and email, in the other room is a rousing game of sims that i am currently testing out. so far i got someone to go downtown and i've never been able to do that since i got unleashed.

this will not tempt me into sims2. the thing i like the most is the custom decorating and building feature. i could care less for the family once the house is done. i redesign and redecorate everything in the game. i found a site from germany that has done such a perfect job with an entire set of themes. i'm going to buy them all on CD once i have $30 extra bucks. well, $40 because some of it needs vacation to work. and that is the only expansion pack i don't have. though i only play up to unleashed . . .

this means nothing if you don't know sims or play it or something.

this is so cool

i'm writing from the machine in my studio. i'm just finishing setting it up. it still is being bitchy about recognizing the winXP machine, but i don't so much care.

i love the keyboard on this machine, it is the clicky kind. when i first started using the computer i would turn on a typing sound for when i typed to get used to silent typing. that lasted all of a few weeks until i couldn't take it anymore.

but i hate the mouse. i need to give it a good cleaning.

and speaking of cleaning, i've decided that today is shampoo the living room day. there is no amount of febreeze spray to get the smell of smoke, cigarettes, beer and cat pee out of the carpet, it has to be cleaned. lucky for us, when we got pets we got a wet carpet cleaner. that got paint all over it in the move so we got a bigger and better one. cold water and tide with febreeze will get out the worst smells the carpet can come up with. hot water just cooks the stuff in. i learned that the hard way, but in another apartment. i should have just taken the cat website i found the advice on at face value. but the cold water method worked in my room where leeloo was marking me as her terrirory.

i could type meaningless crap all day on this keyboard. and i seem to type well on it, not so many typos as usual, though the backspace key is in a nice spot that is easy to reach.

right, enough crap. if i want to type so badly i should transcribe some stuff.

hunh

i answered an email yesterday. and then another question came up so i answered it just now. and then i kind of sat back and thought about what it was i was talking about and doing.

it was about including a track of mine on a compilation CD for the anniversary of a really great indie podcast from mwsmedia.com.

isn't that the coolest? i let M decide which track and told him i don't want a cut of any profits. hell i circulate my own stuff on limewire, money isn't as important as exposure. and believe it or not, but people download my work.

what? you've never heard my work? my first CD is at http://fabulousdisaster.com/mp3/messed/, you can listen to it at your leisure. before the holiday season, i'll have enough material for another CD but i'm releasing it online exclusively. i've been recording off and on for the past month, and when doc returns to work sunday, i will be able to work on it some more. it may even be done by thanksgiving, i would impress even myself.

doop doop doop

i have bangs! in my hair. actually rather long bangs and the rest of what was the mohawk is the same length. it is a curly mop atop my head and in my eyes and i like it. i haven't had bangs since the 90's when i tried it briefly but it didn't work well.

when i went up to get the mail the other day there was a person with two boas outside and i asked if i could hold one. i am promptly handed the grumpy pregnant one, but we made fast friends. i think she liked the way i smelled. she wrapped herself around my wrist so gracefully. i want a snake, and so does doc, but not until i know more about them and we can afford a really nice cage. which is the same thing we say about ferrets.

our neighbors have ferrets in a three level cage that is up off the ground. it is full of toys and hammoks and if i were their ferrets, i would be very happy with life.

the simple pleasures

sure, it's going to take an hour, but i can get my sims object files, as sorted, straight over to yggbasil, the sims computer. i'm so happy.

i got up at dawn, after staying up to a rocking 10pm. made myself coffee and pourd myself a glass of sparkling grape soda. then of course i realized i couldn't drink both at the same time, so i got a bottle of water.

this is about as complicated as i like things.

the new mantle

proof of compatability

PopCap Games - Heavy Weapon

PopCap Games - Heavy Weapon

yes this is what i waste my time on. the guys are out getting compressed air and febreeze and some sort of fast food i will have no part of.

and i just lucked into some more memory for yggbasil so it will be the ultimate simming machine, and another hard drive for the ultimate backup and storage machine. now all we need is kam316, an update for her mac (which i am still working on finding) for complete workability. actually there is no reason for us to have to be near each other, except i am needy.

i was supposed to send her files for mnj this week and i spaced, i'll do that tomorrow.

i have to go wash my hands of the dust of a free computer.

it is decided

i'm growing my hair out. and tonight i am going to chop off the damaged parts, making it short.

and i am not leaving the house without a hat until march.

=}

i can do things

got this machine to recognize "c" on the other machine. heh.

once i reverse that . . . oh so much evil. for machines that are literally three feet apart, but in different rooms. my studio table is much smaller now, but i'll deal. i need to clean some of in there out of in there soon, it gets crowded when i'm in it and one of the cats wanders in.

my computer education was cut and paste. i learned the secret of the " in the search engines and have been pretty self sufficient. i may panic at first, but i get what i want eventually, as far as getting a computer to do things my way. luckily getting them to agree to swedish mythos names is easier than most stuff i try to do.

doc went out to the shops. i think that B is picking him up halfway through and then coming round to look at what i've done with the video card and talk with me about the hard drive. i'll use it in here if i can slave my f drive in here seamlessly into the other machine (or Z drive, depending upon which machine you are asking).

and you know what? i'm glad it is over. i enjoy computer complacency. but i like shiny new gifted hardware too. balance. as always, balance is the key.

blargh on automobiles

we worked on the car for an hour. made progress, but i consider it a failure because the beast still isn't driveable. it won't go into gear. well, it won't go into 1-5, it goes into reverse fine, which i got into some trouble for finding out. turns out with car repair, blind experimentation is not encouraged much. which leads me to believe two things, car repair lacks imagination, and we're going to have to put the car up to get fixed. unless blind obstinance works, but i'm unclear on the "if you try it enough times and it improves some each time, it will fix itself" theory as applied to car repair. it has done me well with computers and other electronics.

speaking of which i got my gifted video card installed in a computer that can be devoted to my simming. once i locate another memory card i have here somewhere - aw fuck it, it works as it is. i'm going to go move that computer into the studio and set it up. i'm done playing with things today.

hellow world

if you take an ephidrine and lay down to sleep, expect to wake with a "BOING".

i get up and my head is going at 100mph. i wake up like that normally during parts of my emotional cycles, i miss it. and now i've found a way to do it chemically. goddess help doc today.

the cats have gone apeshit

chloe and jack fight
jack and leeloo fight
leeloo and hank fight
and now
leeloo and chloe fight
leeloo has currently staked out chloe's secret under the bed place and jack is circling. these creatures are all to strange.

see, and now jack is standing in the bathroom meowing. does he just like to hear the sound of his own voice?

and all the while the hamster's cage sits near floor level, offering boo the best view of the feline insanity. i do believe boo is glad for his closed habitat.

med time

i have one goedon left, if i don't get it refilled (which i will), all hell will break loose in oh, about 36 hours.

i really didn't see it coming. and this is the big ticket one, just out, not on any formulary. i'll look into samples tomorrow.

i've been having problems with taking my meds and taking the right ones at the right times and big problems with remembering if i took my meds. i told doc today that i need help with it.

at least tonight i'll stay up past the zombie phase, until the daily show is over so i can sleep past dawn.

oh, and doc's parents rock. i have to find a way to send him home for a few days. i think i could be alone that long. i wanted to send him during the summer so he could go to the shore with them, but with all the moving speculation and drama, it just couldn't happen.

thinking thinking thinking

the new insurance startes on november first. so does our new lease.

i have to call and put off my next shrink appointment, as it is on the 31st of october.

we're staying here another year or so. as of right now.

i feel good about that i really don't want to completely upend the small habitat i have. and with the throwing away of stuff, i've actually been able to clear out much of the apartment. the big hard part will be doc's room. but i may just be telling myself that. it may be the easiest of the bunch.

i think i am depressed

i really think that if we took me off the meds right now i would be depressed. i'm pretty sure that is what i am feeling through the meds because i really am useless mostly the past few days. i've gotten things done but i haven't been the ball of energy and creativity that i was a week ago.

maybe it is malaise that doc is always here. i can't record or skype or listen to my obnoxious music or keep the blinds and the windows wide open (he has nasty allergies). well that will end when he starts work next week (all too soon) and i will be alone all day again.

i think a very cool thing may happen soon. but i don't know and i'm to afraid of disappointment to ask right out plus i want to let the person involved get their own head together without me asking a million things. but i know that isn't getting me down, if anything it is keeping me as elated as i am. even if it doesn't happen, the possibility is enough to keep me high for a while, doc too.

from doc

"gravity may not be your friend, but it certainly is one of your minions."

regarding my rather annoying habit of dropping things where i stand, like empty video cases and the pad of paper or book i happen to be writing in, or my shoes and the like.

paper and dolls

my paper casts are dried and ready to be trimmed. this is a special raw recycled paper set for the artistically inclined.

but the paper is taking the traditional 8 years to dry. and that also is two sets for sale, recycled cardstock cut to size. the extra half set i'll use for tags.

i did a new book with a japanese binding. i find this style of binding to be completely akward when it comes to using the book, but the visible stitching style seems to be popular. i made one that i intended to do the japanese thing with but instead bound it with cording. i intend to send it to baby smith and see what inspiration it may cause her.

so now i've done it, i've done variations on it and it is time to go back to my tested and true coptic stitch. i have several of those to do that i really want to get done and off my studio table. while i have plenty of shelf and drawer space, i have a very small workspace and no extra counter or flat space. when my table fills up with half full projects, i have to do them to get them off the table and onto the shelves where i store completed projects.

which, speaking of, i need to go through and see what is and isn't at my ebay store, and sort out what is going up there and what is being saved for monkey named jack. i think the ebay store will be more popular and profitable this holiday season than mnj, but over the next year, i'll change that. i want to keep it really seasonal, like featuring pride jewelry in may before pride day and associated celebrations, inexpensive back to school jewelry and notebooks.

43 Folders | Kick procrastination's ass: Run a dash

43 Folders | Kick procrastination's ass: Run a dash: "Procrastination can drive most of us into a spiral of shame that’s as mundane as it is painfully personal."

a great article on my biggest vice that is actually intuitive and informational, and offers ways out. article love.

good

coffee
wind
loving cats
doc
finishing something
strawberry soda
big tshirts
no dreams
passing time

eBay Store - Cydniey's Beadeds Home Decor: Earrings, bracelets, necklaces

eBay Store - Cydniey's Beadeds Home Decor: Earrings, bracelets, necklaces

this is my ebay store, it has a lot of cool stuff, from classy to casual jewelry, to trinket boxes to comic books, to handbound journals. a must see. also features gay and bi pride jewelry.

ArtWorksLive

ArtWorksLive

i got a postcard collage from baby smith today and immediately framed it and put it in the living room, where i showcase artists i know.

this picture is busy because it was on the desk when i took it.

look see

record wall, small test size before i talk him into letting me do the big white wall in the living room


another desert flower

goddess love him

doc is making coffe. i got everything new packed up and going to be mailed out today. nice to get it out of the way after being so late with the last batch.

and of course i am completely relieved to be selling things again. the necklace that sold today i know is wanted by other people so since the stones are always different i may make another one.

i need to sell more to get the bead order i need, though. a horrible cycle, at least it is self feeding. i'm so glad back to school is over and the holidays are coming up.

i call art day

i swear i kept smelling fire when i woke up during the night. nothing has burned down. i remember wandering half or more asleep through the apartment smelling for smoke before dawn.

i've decided if i ever lose my breasts to disease i'm replacing them with "a" cups. i'm so sick of my tits.

i woke up cold when i finally woke up. such joy, the window was open, the blinds playing in the wind, the cold wind. snuggled up in my blanket (which has spent the past few months wadded up on my bed) with bernerd, my stuffed bear and sleepy doc asking if i wanted some of his blanket. i loved it!

the great irony of las vegas is that so many apartments come with fireplaces. we have one. we use it to heat the apartment in the "winter" evenings. light it up, turn on the vent for circulation and open the windows and it all balances out. but that also allows for the joy of fresh air smell mingled with fireplace burning smell. that is delicious.

i think i'll paint today. not a piece of furniture, but a real painting. maybe. maybe a painting with collage over it. something in the line of creativity not for profit today.

vroom

the car works, the car doesn't work. now it is the latter. something about bleeding the clutch or something. he's done it before, all i need to do is press down when he tells me to.

i can't believe that i can't stop pouting. the coffee balances out the water, taste in the mouth wise, but i'm still miserable that the car doesn't work and i won't ask doc to carry soda from the store. i'm so spoiled. and i know it is behind my foul mood. i can't stop it. maybe there is a blood sugar thing connected with it. this really bugs me. i should get over it and i don't. i guess i'm not trying hard enough.

dear sweet jesus

i just found the box of poetry and journals that need to be transcribed. ouch. i think i may pack them in the emergency evacuation pack for now. so if something happens, it comes with me because i honestly can't bear to go through them. the one old journal i have out is mostly used to solve trivial mysteries, the journals in these boxes is the heart of whatever i was at the time.

i don't like who i was at the time. i like who i am now, but then, no, no not at all. the first half of the nineties, with the exception of kam316, was a complete waste of time. i didn't grow . . . i was paralyzed with fear i was traumatized, i enjoyed nothing, i became greedy in spite of the lessons learned already about that. years of my life i will never get back.

which is why i always want to tell stagnant unhappy people to do something about it. sure, i lived in a car for a while, but i got out of what i was doing and ultimately met doc and became a professional writer and artist. if i had stayed where i was, i can't even think about what shape i would be in. i would be completely dead inside, i do know that. and i wouldn't have creative expression for an outlet. nothing of the last decade would have been the same. my life would not be worth living. it wasn't then. being homeless was better than waiting to die or be killed. even extreme uncertainty is better than some certainties, especially ones that cause us to settle into something we wouldn't except is is familiar.

ultimately you get to a point where you aren't running from anyone anymore except yourself, and then you have to deal with that and it is quiet and comfortable. what was once unthinkable is now your life and every decision is yours alone.

that was worth the not knowing. it was worth walking to work in the snow for minimum wages. it was worth having two jobs full time. it was worth not knowing where i would live month to month.

sure, they were really scary at the time and something definitely clicked in me and set me on auto pilot for some of it. but that is how i got away. it isn't important so much any more what it was i got away from, what matters is that i did get away.

never enough

it is my strong belief there is not enough coffee on this continent to successfully kill a seroquel hangover.

but i'm more than willing to try to find out.

PopCap Games - Heavy Weapon

PopCap Games - Heavy Weapon

have you played this? old school shoot down the stuff. i love it. it completely relaxes me.

it's a girl!

Bush picks insider for Supreme Court

morning

alexander
spain
red
soccer
kangaroo

the words i had to remember when i saw the state shrink. i think i'll send him an xmas card with those written on it. i don't think i will ever forget.

and what is up with waking up with a charley horse? i don't get them while i'm awake.

buh bye sunday

geraldo looks better in the tight tshirts with the wind in his hair framed by some sort of human suffering than he does in the studio in the suit with the overly coiffed hair. not for nothing.

the car has been not working right again. this means the most spoiled part of me is being ignored. i hate to drink exclusively water because my medication gives me metal mouth taste and water makes it worse. so i usually have another cup of coffee, strawberry soda, anything really to cut the metal taste.

so when out of alternate beverage i get really cranky and gag on the tons of water i drink each day and everything is just completely soured for me.

when i woke up from my nap doc had coffee wating for me with the very last of the sugar that he had found. because he rocks.

i poked my damn holes!

with no one downstairs, i nailed several books which are now to be sewn together. and i hammered with abandon since doc is awake and kicking.

now he is cleaning the kitchen, since something awful happened in there since i cleaned it yesterday. i want to prep stuff for enchiladas, since i have all the stuff i need. i'm going back on my slim fast/water/enchilada diet. it worked for me before, kept me nice and slim.

i've also started working out to songs, instead of counting, i divide up the song and do whatever i need to. usually with the video playing so the thin girl singing inspires me. because they are all thin, no matter how they do it, that is just the truth. so it really doesn't matter what i play as long as it isn't a dance mix, that would kill me.

i wonder if there is a market for ted nugent record cover blank journals?

i am so bored

i want to poke holes in things but doc is asleep. when is that not the story? then when he wakes up i get distracted and forget to poke holes in things and i end up typing this over again tomorrow morning.

i took pictures and updated the book sales and i packed up the journal that sold and i futzed with the paper so it will dry faster and i checked my paper molds and i ironed a piece just for laughs and let it dry and it curled up like it actually had a grain.

and i know nothing about paper grains. i pay no attention to it at all when making books or paper. rather, i try to make uniformish thin sheets that i can use for other things. this batch was for some molds to sell to some aspiring paper painter and cardstock weight recycled paper. the thin sheets for a literature journal and the thick ones for cards for my jewelry to go onto.

and i made a cinnamon cafe au lait for one, thank you very much. yummy.

the votes are in

i need more pictures in my ebay listings. and a bit more detail and some excitement. but mostly pictures. okay.

i asked for some critique on a handmade book community. i always thought that more pictures scared people away who are on dial up. i obviously need to rethink that.

today i will turn my porch into an outdoor photo studio. i'm already warming up the camera battery, and i have a tripod ready to go.

hopefully that will be a universal thing. i'll take more pictures of everything i have listed.

i did sell a sleeping beauty journal last night. that was cool. it gave me the cash for something i wanted and was told i'd need to earn the money for.

i also need to set up the postage so it figure actual postage, or get a better idea of postage prices. i thought mine were low but i'm apparently charging too much for the journal postage. i think i know how i can cut back on that.

i forget which casino

possibly the palms . . . no, the rio maybe. hell, i don't remember, i've taken so many pictures of the casinos in this town.



they do the coolest things with walls, drape them with fabric or water, stuff statues into them, tromp l'oiel . . . you name it.

this is a water wall, and yes, the bottom resevoir is full of change.

owie, i'm a pussy

i've been on my feet for two straight hours and have learned that i cannot be on my feet for two straight hours. i've been making paper. i had some romance/fantasy novel that wouldn't go away so i made paper with it. the finished paper will have flecks of text in it, so cool.

i have a literature themed journal to work on and i'm sure i'll be using some of that fresh paper for that.

the rest will likely be cards for my jewelry to go on. i need to look into getting a custom monkey named jack stamp so i can make my own tags like that. when i send the stuff i'd like for people to know where it came from.

oh and for that matter i just remembered the other computer is retro, so i can use a certain program to make more business cards.

i think i may go soak my feet while i contemplate how soft i've become.

sleep

i slept from dawn until noon. i don't have a med hangover so i'm going to assume that is all i need for now.

doc is still sleeping and i have noisy things to do. hang art and poke holes in paper for books.

an artist i have the utmost respect for is sending me one of her pieces. i'm too excited. i really should wait for it to get here so i can hang the rest of the art around it.

i also have a collage of my own that needs to have a hanger attatched to it so i can hang it in the living room.

i suppose i could cover the small wall with records, thumb tacks are quiet.

picture entries

the picture entries below now work. =}

BREITBART.COM - Just The News

BREITBART.COM - Just The News

we can't seem to agree with europe on the internet. this bodes unwell for future EU negotiations.

(insert beaten down al gore joke here)

contradiction

the importance of organization

i have one room, besides the kitchen, that is completely organized, that is my studio.

because the best thing i can do is go in there and work when i am feeling anxious or twitchy. and i came to a decision just now, if i am ever hospitalized again, i want my box of clippings and a glue stic. i crop everything before i put it in the files in the box, so i wouldn't need scissors. just glue and something to glue to.

because nothing calms me down like going into that room and knowing no matter what i want to work on, i know where the stuff is, it has an away place within reach and there never has to be a mess. and if there ever is a mess (much like with the kitchen) it takes no more than a few minutes to clean it up. i can go in and not think, just be taken by some shiny thing and go with that, doing whatever it is. i need that. my life has improved so much since i got that room together. i recommend it to everyone

ooog, or not

i really need to fix/adjust/create my sleep schedule.

although i would be giving up sunrises and sunsets. and those are the most beautiful times of the day here. the windows come open and fresh air runs through the apartment.

the downstairs neighbors are going out in a last huzzah of noise. more power to them. they're moving into a house where they can be the trashy rock and roll porch people they want to be. i have a feeling i'll miss them - but only in comparison to what or who moves in in their place.

i've decided to let my hair grow out. to revel in my brunette curls again. well, red curls, it looks better red. but i miss my hair. naturally curly and a pain in the ass, though completely sumptuous looking, i want it back. my hair grows pretty fast. the winter will be the hardest, with the growing in of the sides and back. but i have enough hats, and i waited for winter for just that thing.

with the return of my libido came a new concern about how i feel about how i look and wanting to look good. part of that is spending the next hour before dawn working out, since the bass just started up downstairs i know they won't mind.