i got my sharp things back!

i guess my attitude really has improved, i've just been given my backstock of xacto blades back. cool.

cydniey: pictures from our adventures

cydniey: pictures from our adventures

just can't get enough.

cydniey: some pictures

cydniey: some pictures

more more more!

cydniey: randomhankjackburning bushprimitive arto

cydniey: randomhankjackburning bushprimitive arto

nonsense for : a whole lot of pictures of different things, found objects, and cats and other things that looked good when cropped.

look see

communication

i've got trillian open

just saying

AOL - cydnieyB
msn - cydniey@hotmail.com
icq - 7362323
yahoo - cydniey

my blinkie page

my blinkie page

warning: visual insanity ahead

morning again

i got up and made cinamon rolls, huzzah for food in tubes!

i managed to stay up late last night and sleep past dawn. i'm unspeakably happy, can't you see it in my animated expression?

feelin' fruity

the strangest thing happened today.

i got a fruit basket in the mail. apples, pears, rice munchie mix, granola banana fruit mix and a fat free carrot cake (the best carrot cake i've ever had, fat free or not) from harry and david. the girls in the office were gushing about how great harry and david is and wondered who would send it to me.

i have no idea. all of the things in it were things i liked. i grabbed a pear as soon as i opened it and chomped it down. but i have no real clue who sent it. a couple of ideas, and i'd like to send a big thank you to whomever it was.

what a cool thing. i like people today.

need to sell

i've got to unload some of these books i've made. i finally listed them on ebay and i'm hoping they will sell. i didn't realize i hadn't listed any of them so they've been sitting on my shelf staring at me for no reason.

http://stores.ebay.com/Cydnieys-Beadeds-Home-Decor

is the link if you know anyone looking for affordable hand bound journals with unique touches. no frilly girl stuff with the books. i save that for the jewelry.

Monkey Named Jack : CafePress.com

Monkey Named Jack : CafePress.com

new t shirts

from monkey named jack

"it's not the heat it's the insanity"
"if you can't beat them scare the hell out of them"

http://www.cafepress.com/monkeynamedjack

you know you must have one!

songs

i need a punk song that celebrates the return of my libido.

and if i have to break down and write one i will be very put out.

today will be different

and if it isn't, i'm going on a killing spree.

seeing how i have no weapons, it will be short lived, but the one person in my life who is driving me nuts will get the point.

the alarm (the band, not a reference to a security system) can still make me cry. i hear that mike peters (the former lead singer) can still be found touring. wow, what would that be like?

i still remember the night i ran into, literally, john doe and just froze up realizing it was him and i just ran into him. thanking the gods i wasn't in a vehicle at the time, i really enjoyed his show.

i can see the same thing happening with m peters. thirty something women standing in front of him speechless, reliving in instants years of worship of his music . . . ack!

i would not know how to deal with something like that. were i them.

pretty pretty

CD suncatcher

want one?

http://stores.ebay.com/Cydnieys-Beadeds-Home-Decor

fall and winter are the times we most need suncatchers, since in many places there is so little sun, we want to capture and enjoy as much as we can. indoor or outdoor.

almost there

all we have left to do is the mirror move and the fabric on the walls.

meanwhile i'm plotting to cover the big white wall in the living room with vinyl LPs, as i now have a collection of uncool damaged records. doc seems to be okay with it. he's trying to reconcile the checkerboard of the white wall underneath. i'll put a few up to give him a clue.

then the big stuff is done and the rest is purely cosmetic.

i plan to clean the hell out of the kitchen (so i can make paper in there and because i am sick of the nearly clean that doc keeps it) today and gather up all the bits of paper and sit doc down with boxes corresponding to years so he can sort them. i'll do the hardcore sorting later, getting them broken down into years will really help me.

i've been waiting to talk to one of doc's friends about trading some gear. he'll be surprised when he comes over, the place won't look the same.

it's going to look weird with the fabric down, but it will look better.

i put the little wrought iron table between the couch and the bookcase. since the top is clear and the table pained silver, it doesn't really register. it is useful but not obtrusive.

sleep

i took some extra seroquel and slept from two to eight.

now i'm watching the serenity thing on sci fi and trying to decide if i really am hungry, or just bored.

i'm really glad i got stuff done before i went to sleep or this day would have been a complete waste.

cat farts!

the new food has given them all gas! i'm so glad we got a small bag of it, it must be hurting, judging by the smell. oy.

time to clean the litterbox. i'll be fine.

reconcilliation

the obvious comes up and slaps me sometimes.

i was thinking about how cool it is that my sister, tripper, and i have a chance to be out of the role of parentsubstitute/child and be ourselves together. how great it is that we can, after surviving it all, find a common ground to love each other on.

i didn't have the bond of a sibling from my siblings, my parents put me in a medium place where i was subject to their disciplinary whims, but was still responsible for the good behavior of my brothers and sisters. so they grew up with me as an authority figure, never a sister they could talk to or know in any way.

and tripper and i are the luckiest two girls in the worlds to have the chance.

then it hits me that i am no longer waiting for kasey's freedom to get together the same way. she is gone. she didn't get away.

like the cursor flashing on the question "how many sisters do you have" - when, originally? now? shouldn't you know i lost one? what the hell kind of way is that to word a question like that? god, it feels all fresh and i wish more than ever right now i had a smail because i am not waking doc up with this shit.

maybe making a pot of coffee will be cathartic. because i know where all the sharp shit is and i haven't been real smart lately.

this will pass. if i can put something else in front of me, i will get distracted. i have to remember that this is only a few moments out of my life, there is no need to mark it with a permanent scar.

i need to sleep with the girlfriend of a tattoo artist so i can get the tattoo for kasey that i've been meaning to since she died. i just can't see paying $100 to anyone for any one thing for a very long time. my new bag will have the design on it. it isn't forgotten. and it is a much better way to mark the pain, instead of my random clawings and cutting.

talking oneself through a crisis moment? priceless.

online music videos

a lot of the old bands have put out old videos and if you look around fan sites you can find them. or however you gather old music, add videos to it. firstly, it will justify some of those old pictures people laugh at that in your secret heart you still think you looked cool.

but then there's the insights that you didn't get back then.

i had the feeling, but know now that the pet shop boys were, quite simply, the perkiest goth band of the era. no secret musical mythology, just the dreeriest of thoughts, images and words that you can get into a synth pop song. masterful, really. the videos just slam it all home.

since it's the bedroom wall

i guess the staple gun would be too loud while doc sleeps.

alternative? climbing on the bed and dresser . . . advantages? the bed is a futon, doesn't move much.

a sunrise like that

the clouds rarely completely cover here. the sunrise was a holiday of color and clouds and shadows and contrasts and golden light.

i know because i was planting a plant of unknonwn species into a bowl made up of a 10,000 maniacs 12" single of "don't talk" out on the front porch with the cats sitting on the steps glowing in the light looking like angels.

i have such plans for the day, like stripping the walls of their colored sheets and revelling in the white of the walls up until the moment i hang up all the art.

the big ass mirror is coming off the mantle, to be replaced by picasso's reading woman. the mirror will go in here, since the mirrored case is going in the studio. we did the first half of things yesterday and when i changed my mind half way through it and simplified things i lost doc's support cuz i didn't 'splain it all out and i changed my mind and he took me for manic. these things happen.


but he goes back to work in a few days and i need to use his manly strength a bit before that happens. in return he's getting the use of his bedroom back and the living room cleaned out and ready for socializing (because, unlike me, he is a social creature and i seem to creep out all of his friends unwittingly) with people without having them sit on the folded version of my bed. i'm really serious about making this place look nice and right since we really need to wait out this housing thing because rent is in the trillions right now and i want us all to be happy with what we have.

we ignore the ghetto presence when we can, we don't go out into it. and inside? these places are nice for the monthlies we pay.

you need three people to live in las vegas. i've learned that much.

oh so clever

i got my computers hooked up to the router . . . and they see each other. i can only share the 'shared files' folders on each of them. it's been alright for stuff so far but i plan to work that out today.

there is water in the air. no better smell to me exsists than this moisture playing in the hot air. they call for pockets of rain today. something like that is worth waking up for and i am pretty sure i'm gonna love the sunrise. i'll take one of the cats with me out onto the front porch and put my headphones on and sit and watch things appear out of the darkness.

we just found out that the people downstairs are moving out. no more parties in front of the apartment all weekend and no more sitting quietly as they talk all sorts of shit on me. and why? i have no idea - i guess i'm the crazy cat lady. but they are moving!!

time to buy a few tickets in the people-i-can-deal-with neighbor lottery. just like when i was a kid and moved a lot, i play this game, waiting for the new arrival to be just so cool. i'd be happy with people who don't regularly overdrink outside where everyone can see and people who don't set fire to the place. in this place, that is being picky, though.

they have shut down our pool and weight room at night due to vandalism there and in the common area. like they aren't just going to jump the fence to swim anyway. apparently having a tenant with a web cam to watch the areas in question didn't occur to them. luckily the common area is always open, so there has been no real decrease in empty and half empty 40s or wadded up packs of menthol cigarettes. i am so glad i live on this side of the building and not the other side.

"so what doesn't go in the living room?"

he asked, as he took his packing box out there

sigh

if i had a beer i'd drink it

no nightmares last night!
i woke up peacefully!

wow, do i need to vacuum in here

i found my shrinky dink oven and my creepy crawlies oven. i need to whip up a batch of bugs and pet tags.

i wonder how much it costs to get a sewing machine tuned up. i have one, i took the bobbin casing apart and can't get it back together and the thing was having problems before that. i'lll have to look in to that.

lemon PEZ are the greatest. not even sour.

half a bagel and cream cheese

was the order i placed at my favorite kitchen: mine. psychotics have wonderful and intense powers of imagination.

we watched the truman show last night. it was traumatizing to me. anyone with the paranoia will tell you . . . ACK. good movie though. and i didn't cry, though it was touted to me as a tear jerker, i wasn't jerked, and i am very easily jerked.

i had another long socially akward dream that ended up with me being arrested for crying while telling the story of this one mormon massacre at meadow mountain story. i wasn't crying in the dream, i needed to clear my throat and my nose was stuffed up and in recent dreams i just can't speak well. doc woke me up gently holding my arms down and telling me he was here.

i neither needed to clear my throat, nor was my nose stuffed up. i'm really tired of these mind games.

and i'm still not clear if i was arrested for being suspected of being a mormon, or if it was that i was sympathetic to those the mormons killed.

i'm awake and geraldo is rambling about something somewhere (in summertime - yes i am still haunted by that song, in spite of finding the origins of it) and the cats are wandering through and i am waking up slowly and without the benefit of coffee and with a horrible seroquel hangover (i took some extra last night to insure i would not have another of these damn nightmares).

and yet, i feel pretty good. i'm going to kick doc out of my bedroom when he wakes up and clean and rearrange my room. i'm taking the mirror backed shelf case out to the studio to hold all the damn little things that come with art. and moving the computer and generally putting things away.

i'm pretty sure i can tame and restore doc's closet to a storage space with enough room for him to use (walk in closets, baby).

i've also figured out a way to reconfigure and increase my frankencase in the studio to hold more. and i see a drastic increase in my use of shoe boxes for storage in my future. i can buy more clear ones when we have more money for such things. i've got plenty of shoe boxes sitting around for shipping and as long as i label them i'll be fine.

plus! pictures! and once we get the long ethernet cable replaced or cleaned up, a live cam once again, and a nice one that never worked on any of my systems, but does on doc's machine. one of the nice clear low light cams, i'm really going to be happy to have it back on. doc will take a bit of time to adapt.

doc as godlike

oy i love this man.

he brought me my ultimate comfort meal: thin steak and parmesan noodle roni.

then there was the pasta for the home made mac and cheese kick i am on (making a roux is a zen thing for me) . . . bagels and whipped cream cheese, french bread for my salami. whaddaman.

nipples

after days of thinking about it, i took out my nipple rings.

i was just going to leave it at that but the holes stayed visible after a proper cleaning. so i put the bars i bought months ago in and it didn't hurt, so i guess it was just the openings that never quite healed.

i'm hoping they will heal completely now with straight bars instead of the curved rings. if not, the hell with them. i miss my nipples.

keeping busy

having cleared away the living room and cleaned up the recycling and shopping bag explosion, i did nothing else yesterday. oh and the books, i made two little art books.

today, having awoken early again from passing out around 7pm, i worked on record books, as i am trying to build inventory for the holidays and for monkey named jack. one is cheap trick, one is blue oyster cult. i should really find checkered black and white paper for the cheap trick one, it seems wrong somehow not to. boc gets some red long fibered paper with gold tiny metal dots in some sort of psychedelic randomness all over it.

i also got in my freecycle record haul, a robert goulet record with his signature on the cover. going for vintage shab, i'm going to laminate it and make a journal out of it. even though the cover is mostly faded, still, it is a signature and the aging of it is cool in itself.

like i've said before, these books don't photograph right and i may be selling them too cheap for people to think they are as substantial as they are. but i make them almost entirely out of recycled and cast off stuff. i spend money on the beeswax for the thread, the rivets for the covers and the papers for the backs and covers. filler, thread, chipboard all free. so i see no need to mark them up and if it were me, a hundred page or more hand bound blank journal for $10-15 would be a steal.

nightmares

these nightmares have got to stop. they aren't so much scary as socially humiliating and they seem to go on all night, actually getting boring before hitting me with whatever situation i have to fight my dream way out of this time. i'm getting really sick of it.

i would much rather have real stuff to deal with and for my brain to take a damn break at night while i sleep.

i lay down for a nap around 7. out like a light. i just got up at 6. bosom buddies of all things was on the TV. i once again applaud tom hanks for having a career of any acting sort after that show. so loud so 80s. ack the colors.

twelve hours didn't change the news much. sure, the hurricane made landfall, but the basic facts didn't change much. the army corps of engineers are still fighting the word "breach" . . . great, let's play semantics while new orleans floods again. whatever it is that is going on, new orleans is flooded again.

i've fallen off the mood swing again

thanks go to doc for making me exhale strawberry soda out my nose.

twitch

i wonder if there is a way that insurance will cover part of a botox treatment to stop a facial spasm i have, provided it isn't caused by my medication. it started up after the root canals there, so i don't think it is the meds, but i've been wrong before. it just bugs the shit out of me.

courtney love claimed on a radio show i heard that she started botox to stop a muscle spasm issue she had where her eye met her nose. that's what got me thinking about it.

i'm watching nothing but news, i've been awake since it was light enough there to show the levees overflowing and i made two more books for the katrina relief sale that craftrevolution.com is doing that i'm sure will have rita relief lumped in with it. i also decorated another book with silk flowers on the cover.

my geek quotient

my tasks today are simple, throw out most of what is cluttering up the living room, and take parts from computer A, put them into computer B and install new hardware in computer A. and make it all work.

which would you rather do?

i'm pretty geeky, so i'm looking forward to the computer thing, though i am a dipshit sometimes and question if i can make it work. the cats could move the hardware, given the right instruction, but past that . . . well, the cats and i have much in common. once you discount the houseplant eating, they hate houseplants. no they don't.

oh, and making more books for to donate to charity auctions. because i'm too selfish to give up the $6 ruler i need but i'm not too selfish to give up a few hundred retail dollars worth of merchandise. which, by the way, though it doesn't sell for me, it does sell for charity, so that makes it even righter. n'est pa?

i think i spelled that wrong, once i could write and read french, now i have to do a lot of guessing just hearing it.

however . . . (subject skip back), if i mess up the computer thing and need to bribe someone to come help fix it, i need the living room to be cleaned out. i'll do that first.

heh, doc got a job yesterday. he keeps saying it, i don't think he believes it, or will until the first day.

corruption

i'm so bad for doc.

we went to bed around 9 last night so we're up before dawn. i'm trying to get him to walk up to the pool to watch the sun rise. he's just grumbling about being up.

i am glad i'm awake. the packing nightmares have stopped, but now it is the running nightmares. i wake up out of breath and with leg cramps.

yes kids, when the cam was on full time, the sleeping was the most popular. watch me thrash around. some day i'll publish a book of the pictures.

that's why i prefer to sleep alone. i'm not comfortable knowing the person in the bed with me may get kicked or slapped in the course of me running through my head while sleeping.

i got all excited and thought it was raining out. sprinklers were on.

watching the news . . . i'm so glad i live inland.

okay i'm ready

the appointment.

i was asked a number of questions such as "who is bill gates", what was is the book of genesis about?" and other such nonsense.

i had to fill out a thing on a computer, fifth question was "how many sisters do you have?", i started flipping out that i didn't know the answer and doc came in to help me through it. the rest of it was more clerical stuff.

i nearly fainted in the elevator, very graceful. the nice man who drew the short straw and took the elevator with me led me to the doctor's office. who happened to be the man who held the door for me on the way in.

he knew my old doctor. he didn't know the practice had got to what it is now. he agreed that there are tests that i need and things that i need to have looked at (i have a new facial tic, let's talk sometime about how debilitatingly embarassing that is) and someone that is more qualified than i should be the one dictating the medication doses i am getting because clearly the low doses i've put myself on to remove the side effects is just not doing the job.

maybe it was that i cried uncontrolably during the hour we spent across a desk from each other.

in three or four weeks i will hear from a guy in california. in the meantime, a hospitalization wouldn't hurt my case any.

and there is the H word. doc is going to talk to doc rev, with any luck he will have a clue. are we prepared to do it the hard way? the way in which i injur myself enough to convince an emergency room staff i am an immediate danger to myself and risk being tied up to a bed in the corner of the emergency room attatched to a catheter for three days instead of being treated.

such are the consequences of not going to phoenix, but that wasn't enough from me. i can get care here. i just have to figure out who's buttons to push. who it is that is paid to be interested if i whine enough. once i get that figured out, life will be better.

life is great now. smooth sailing ahead for a few weeks. i don't look past that. not right now. not when the present rocks.

and i pray that rita somehow misses everything and travel right across the mountains and rain on us.

it rained the day we went to the appointment. i saw lightning and was afraid it was a bad omen, but it went really well, i hope.

and that is that.

i spell "relief": k-n-o-w-i-n-g

i knew it would feel better once i knew for sure.

there will be no gap in insurance and i can get a new doctor and finally get the tests run.

and grumpy doc has packed his bags and left the premises.

things are just as great as i wanted them to be!

and he got me a new plant at the dollar store, i have no idea what it is, but i'm planting it in with robert today since robert the plant has been munched by kitties. then the lot of it is going on a higher shelf. i may put a shelf up just for the plants. i can do that because we aren't moving to phoenix in 2 weeks.

and doc can send the other company, who didn't want to drug test him without a committment, straight to HR hell. they've been really hard on him, like at $13 an hour people can just pick up and leave the state any time they want. enough of those people.

no free cable, but better health benefits and a union. heh. union.

please please please let me get what i want

doc is on the phone with the woman from the HR dept of the place he wants to work . . . . i'm dying with anticipation here . . . i can hear him laughing on the phone with her.

HE GOT THE JOB!!!!!

we're not moving!

i wonder

how i cut my finger

i thought there would be more, i guess i'm not that into wondering about everything.

in two weeks i get a break from the dentist for a month or so.

i have to find a new shrink, the one i have is crap and is feeding me huge amounts of medication with no supervision. here's another wonder, will i find one or will i have to go back into the hospital and take again what they give me?

three hours in the chair

"the chair the chair remember the chair" - stark, farscape

i have two bionic teeth, heh. crowns. i'll have three more this time in two weeks. then we wait for the insurance to flip and i go in for goddess knows what fresh kind of hell that will be.

NOTHING HURTS!

i have a computer to build and another to upgrade, so i'm going to go do that.

i'll have a computer dedicated to the cam, i may stream in the future. all i need now is that router i ordered, which i likely in the office. i'll pick it up tomorrow morning.

now to go eat the center of a loaf of garlic bread, i'm not allowed any crust, i'm crushed.

dr. dilon, how i love thee

back to the dentist for my permanent crowns. then i'm done for a while. while the insurance flips.

we may wait for the same thing with the hospital, have it arranged by my doctor and have tests run and the open possibility of ECT.

the great things about my journaling is that if the ECT goes wrong and i lose memory i didn't want to, i can get some recall from my constant writing.

two more days until we know, or at least that is what i have heard. doc has been on the phone reconciling his actual work history with the one on the resume (warning, be careful people, make sure that stuff is accurate), digging through old boxes thanking the goddess that he never throws paper away. they want to confirm his last 7 years of employment, and with the temp agencies, that was hard to do, some have changed their names. but they are getting that done so either the drug test came back the right way (why he is worried about it i don't know, he doesn't do drugs), or they are a sure as he is that it will.

so . . . two more days. ideally he is supposed to start training sunday, and they are rushing because of that. speaking of which, we have more faxes to send before my dental hell.

title or subject here

i'm either getting a new pair of pants or a bagel. you know you want my life.

the lost season begins and the batttlestar galactica season ends this week.

one day i won't be waiting for anything.

. . .

i've spent worse hours. hospitalization is emminent.

i have nothing else to say to . . . anyone.

if i don't get treatment that improves my life, i am not under any circumstances spending another 30 years like this.

and i told the doctor that. i don't want to live this life. he suggested montevista. we're going to see if doc rev will be able to reserve me a bed. if not i have to do it the hard way.

that is all.

by the way

if i am not around for a couple of days it is because someone gave a shit and admitted me to a hospital for testing and observation. but since this is the government we're talking about, i honestly doubt that is going to happen.

i wish i'd moved to new orleans instead of vegas. with my bad choices and utter lack of respect for any diety, i'd be nice and happy and dead in an attic somewhere right now instead of weeping for no goddamn reason.

yeah, blog this

i''m stressed about the appointment tomorrow. and i know it's for nothing. go in answer questions leave. then fate kicks in i guess. if you believe in that. tonight i believe in nothing but my own weakness and how i'm likely to spend my entire life deteriorating in a way no one can see but everyone knows is wrong.

ponderings

there are times when getting certain things done can wait until it isn't stressful and won't cause conflict.

or . . .

i have a hard enough time leaving the house without being in conflict about it.

or . . .

why bother when we could just be happy?

a simple sunday

i'm jonesing for a bagel and doc is trying to wake up.

we have errands to run today. glue stick. glue stick.

those i get at the dollar store, but doc is taking me to the big michaels that has a big clearance dept.

plus, doc found a pile of chipboard at work and they told him he could take it home. also got a pile of mylar sheets, so i can make the mad stencils now and spice up my white mens undershirt collection. of course using the same paint i plan to use on my furniture.

deviantART: cydniey

deviantART: cydniey

did you know i had a deviantart.com space? can't say that anymore.

FOXNews.com - U.S. & World - Cemeteries Still Intact

FOXNews.com - U.S. & World - Cemeteries Still Intact: "NEW ORLEANS — Hurricane Katrina has transformed the legendary New Orleans (search) cemeteries, known as 'cities of the dead,' into a brown landscape of muck and stench. But fears that floodwaters would send large numbers of coffins and corpses floating away from their crypts were largely unfounded."

back before things got to looking ugly and dangerous (before katrina reared her ugly head) i made the comment to doc that we should move to new orleans because it was easier to be poor there. we'll move on to the second part, where we got silly and joked that if the city ever floods, the dead will be floating down the streets and that might be creepier than i can handle.

i'm glad i was wrong about the second part. goddess knows they have enough to deal with. but two months ago it was a funny picture.

and yes the paranoid me wonders if i didn't bring that on (psychotic paranoia, remember that, no logic at all - kind of like george bush controlling the weather, except i'm the only one who ever believes in my delusions) to the poor city by expressing a wish to live there. i mean, i was obsessed with las vegas for years, my only desire to get here. and my mom found out and they moved here. this city never did anything to deserve that, i just wanted to be here . . . and now she's here and turned loose on the public school system.

it really should be much later than this for me to be spouting this stuff off out loud.

the crone doll

unblock

i have this file full of pictures of things people made that made me happy. when i am lacking inspiration, i go through that file and look for inspiration. i'm inspired to paint my furniture. i was looking through the furniture file and saw all the ugly wood turned magical with simple coats of paint. i am inspired.

i woke from a nap with a charlie horse in my right calf. doc said it was a bad sleep so he used it as an excuse not to go to hooters with his now ex coworkers. now, as he has no work tomorrow in the early morning, he is sound asleep at 11:30. he massaged my leg out of its constriction and asked me if i was running in my dream. i said yes and all memory of the dream disappeared.

tomorrow i get to go to michaels.

i think i will also find and read my digital cam manual. i've had it too long not to know the things i can do with it. then i have to take pictures of things together so i can print them out and show them to shop owners. doc also suggested keeping a few journals and some jewelry in a backpack so i can grab it on the way out and if the chance arises, maybe sell them. we're going to talk to one lady tomorrow. we special order nag champa from her and she has some nice things. but her jewelry isn't as nice as mine, and she doesn't have any handbound books at all. and i know that once you pick up one of my books you will fall in love with it. got to get it in the shops.

and have you any idea how many people will stop nagging me once i do?

i wonder if she'll be interested in the pride jewelry . . . it can also be chakra jewelry, but i intended it for gay pride. i may have to go down to get booked and talk to the owner. if i could find a good retail outlet for my pride jewelry i know it could sustain me. my pride stuff is different. that was a goal, to use beads not usually used, and to put other things with the rainbow of beads. i've done stuff on sterling and sterling pride jewelry is usually, from what i've seen, 200% markup. yipes. yes, that is a niche i'd like to get into very badly.

another hour

another hour another book made. i may sell the four artbooks i made this week. i may actually sell them together. no, i'll keep them, i need things to show if i were to show, i need things to pick from. and my art books aren't very practical very few pages.

i'm waiting for doc to get home. i don't know if he went out with everyone after since this was the last day. i don't know if he got my email and went straight to pick up the records. i don't know if he cashed his check and went to get take out. what a many of mystery.

i really need to get paint so i can work on the furniture. i need something big to do.

oh, and . . .

freecycle rocks!

doc is picking up a crate of mostly 80s records today. that just rocks my world.

quiet

i haven't said much, which i didn't realize.

we're waiting for doc's final "yes" from the company. so we're in limbo until monday or tuesday (as if i didn't hate weekends enough). so we're just kind of quiet and waiting and pretending it isn't driving us both mad. we both know now would be a perfect time to fight with each other for no reason, so we keep the favorites in the VCR and do our own thing.

last night i worked in the studio with the cam on and my headphones while he watched a "fist full of dollars". i tend to be irreverent during clint eastwood movies, especially if i love them like i do with 'fist', so again, quiet.

i made another doll and another book and i cleaned up and made a list of what i need and straightened the table and shelves a bit. i just futzed around, really. the only projects outstanding are books to be sewn together and i only have so much patience when it comes to beeswaxed thread. especially when it gets warm and starts to stick together.

and that is that.

my new goal is to have one, of the three machines we will have, just one that will let me play the sims.

the payment for the router i won on ebay was never claimed and i'm waiting for the seller to let me know what is up. i got it for the opening bid price and didn't even bitch about the mandatory $17 postage, i got the router brand and model i wanted for a deal, even with the postage it was half or more off retail. my main concern is that this person wasn't displaced by the hurricane or anything strange and tragic like that. if they don't want to sell it to me for that price, well, i'm pretty tolerant of shit like that. again, just waiting.

i wept over the fabulousness that is battlestar galactica last night. i swear, every episode is like its own movie. every episode delivers on so many levels and i always feel satisfied after watching, no matter what mysteries and subplots have been spun and left, it's okay.

such a different outlook than i have with lost. with it i expect to be more confused and have more to go over and think about and it lingers. where as BG just fills me up with joy for the week.

other than those two shows, i don't notice most others. nip tuck may get me back this season coming up. rescue me had me hook line and sinker but it got too triggering for me. i love what they are doing with it, sometimes i'm just not hardcore enough for it.

cydniey is a fabulous disaster: live art cam page

cydniey is a fabulous disaster: live art cam page

cam is on

it isn't all about the selling

some art type things i've been doing


mother goddess doll


small bamboo stick bound notebook, 10 pages with vintage illustration on cover



small book, handmade papers and hemp and beads

utterly blah

i woke up with a sore throat earlier and i was feeling droopy, so i went back to sleep until noon. i woke up to farscape season 1 on the telly (doc and his VCR magic).

i don't know why mt throat hurts. i'm stuffed up too and it is just silly. so i dusted and vacuumed the hell out of my room and am on to do the rest of the house. i did it a week ago, but we've had the windows open, and we do have an olive tree outside one of our windows. yesterday i was snuffy when i woke and it went away.

other than that i am BORED. doc took his final tests today and took in his proof of who he is. once i get the word, i start putting the house back together. which includes and may just start with the complete deconstruction of my room and it's shelving. i need to paint my furniture and paint my desk and i want to do it before we really do move in february, to another place here in town. once the furniture is painted, it matches no matter what white walled place we end up in.

i need to go to home depot. i have to price the paint and hope i can get some oops paint. looking for darkish blue and cream, should be pretty easy.

good morning

i don't know, i think i am more nervous than doc.

i do know that sleeping with the windows open and the vent on was not such a good idea. my nodes are all swollen and i know it is just allergies. i'm allergic to nature.

getting ready

i'm asking for a case of glue sticks for christmas. i am halfway through the book i am making.

and i mean making it. i made two art books today, one with a bamboo stick for the spine and one with a different stitch with handmade papers.

and i have been working on a book of poetry and art and collage. when it is done i will likely photocopy it in color and print it out as a two part chapbook. but i wanted to make an entire book. lots of printing things out and gluing and cutting things.

the goddess doll urge seems to have abated. i have fabric picked out for a few more, i need to make more faces tomorrow. i sent off all of my paper faces in a swap because the woman sent me like five pounds of scraps from her scrapbooking (and is willing to trade again!! i hope she likes blank journals). so i need more faces. i've used all of the clay ones i had laying around. they make the doll's head too heavy though.

wind chime lamp stage one

i'm getting a lamp kit and using one of those bulbs that is painted on the bottom so it doesn't glare down. inside the bottom of the bowl is a CD for reflecting light and stability. it makes an excellent noise in a breeze, it will live under my a/c outlet so i can add it to the white noise in my room and have a nice subtle overhead light.

up up up up up up up up up

pending a pee test (no problem) and a background check (no problem), doc has a new job and we are not moving! plus the pay cut is a dollar an hour and only good for 90 days, then he's back up to his normal rate. insurance starts immediately, union job so everything rights and benefits wise is golden. and it is close to here, not on the other side of town. oh, and i can get my meds through them since they are a pharm company and save a couple hundred dollars a month.

plus it starts next week (his current one ends saturday) so there is no dealing with unemployment and that crap. edit: he will be getting one week of unemployment. seems like a waste of hassle to me but $200 is $200

and everything is okay for my appointment, whatever it brings it will not disrupt things.

watch the big two ton heavy thing float away from over our home.

cydniey is a fabulous disaster: live art cam page

cydniey is a fabulous disaster: live art cam page

cam is on

awkward

is when your shrink (who just bought the practice part and parcel from your old shrink who skipped town in three weeks flat) tells you that honestly? he can't read most of the notes left by the previous doctor. four years of my life, and he can't read it. which i guess is why he left me in charge of my seroquel dosage and said he'd see me in two months. doctor c never ever let me go two months.

also finding out he is a neurologist and medication pusher, and has no background in psychology at all.

head meet keyboard. rinse. repeat.

dolls

i keep dreaming of these dolls (see earlier post) i made another last night, but under stuffed it. i dreamt of the necklace i will make to cover the seam where i restuff her. i guess i'll put them up on a shelf, since each one has different attributes. so far there is pride and water. the new one will be shiny things.

it is almost like i'm making my own set of saints. in the shape of the diety i am most comfortable with. so long as my dreams leave me these clues i will follow them and not mind so much where they are leading.

so glad i'm awake

doc is getting ready for interview number two with the place here in town. testing and meet the HR staff.

my last dream was a lot of me screaming at people telling them what to do. very starbuck dream. there are worse delusions i could have.

we were talking about last week's battlestar galactica and the way they played the original series' theme song at the end of the episode and just talking about it gave me happy chills. i'll have to watch it again later today.

jesus, doc is in a good humor this morning. i almost don't want him to go . . . heh. after 8 years together it still gives me a rush to feel that.

goddess dolls

i tried to explain to doc, sometimes it is just nice to have the goddess on your pillow at night, or to pick her up and talk to her.

i wanted to make dolls. i am not at all ready to work with arms and legs and faces. so i made the dolls i dreamed about last night, with the shape of gaia decorated with various pretty things.

rah rah rah

i chanted doc's name as he left the house for his interview with the cool place that is here in town. he was drinking coffee, i've seen the starbucks canned coffee commercials too many times, it was inevitable.

i hope he likes the people. they will like him, he oozes charm. people sometimes mistake his charm for smarm, but it isn't and he's been going over this interview with me, he's ready for it. it would really be a nice option. really really nice option.

our lease is just coming up. we could sign another six months and stash money away for a move. if i can get my birth certificate and a new copy of my social security card, i can get a part time job, and if it works out maybe i can look forward to a date without the help from the government. again i reflect that i moved to the perfect place to be a chef. you can be a chef of any degree and there are plenty of small places that would be like my place in malvern years ago. regular customers, gorgeous perky useless waitstaff robbing us blind . . . coming in at 5 am to blast ani difranco and make soup and muffins for the day.

i miss that horribly. if we ate soup, i might start doing it here. and neither of us need more muffins. i need to get my head together and find a nice cafe.

tin of cydniey

i love this picture, it is from the fire july of last year. the people downstairs wanted out of their lease. when the woman ran out of the house she locked her young children inside. my neighbor was a hero, she broke the window and pulled the baby out and the toddler had made it to the window. meantime the mother was screaming profanity at me and i almost clocked her with a fire extinguisher that i had cut my hand freeing to help her skank ass.

the construction guys let me in the next day to take some pictures. this one has always been my fave of the lot.

take my teeth, please

my temporary crown from about 7 years ago just broke, so i have a wee bit of tooth attatched to a metal rod in my jawbone. no pain, just a very weird feeling and gratitude that i ate good food the last couple of days.

and i was chewing a soft cookie when it broke. can't feel guilty for that. neither crunchy or sticky and those were the things i was warned away from.

i'm really glad doc is getting new insurance with the new job, one more $1500 payout from insurance and $1000 payout from us and my teeth should be good to go until i die.

poppet

my first poppet ( i had more fun than i thought i would making it) and the beginning of my first hand made one of a kind chap book.

inspiration knocks

and i don't always hear the door.

i have left over signatures (grouping of folded sheets meant to be sewn into a book) from making books, and have decided to cover each with some sort of decorated card stock and do individual chap books with words and images. the length and contents will depend entirely upon my mood and the number of pages i have to work with.

i'll make a collection of them before i make them available. i want to incorporate collage into them. each one will be a complete book of art, showcasing two of my strongest talents and i already know that parting with any of them will suck. so i'll keep them together and depending upon how they turn out, maybe shop around an art show with them.

it will be a great way to go through my collage stuff and use it in a meaningful way and put it all together as a piece of me.

i really like the shift from saleable to artistic inspiration lately. i really have enough inventory that i don't have to worry for a while about making more, except when the muse beats me over the head (making books is very meditative, as most sewing is for me).

i think i may also make a series of cloth poppets with the face molds i have. they are all celestial oriented, so i really can get fancy and whimsical with them, and i've been wanting to make dolls.

happenings

once the drought ended, i was able to pick up a router on ebay. i can't wait for that bad boy to get here. plus i'm going to pick up a cheap video card and hard drive for frankencomputer. one machine in each room. heh.

truth is, i have the extra printer and the cam on the other machine. i can't wait to be able to use them on the network and to be able to use the zip on frankencomputer, they are so much easier than CDs for my purposes.

best of all i don't have to clear my 20 gigs off this computer's slave drive and take it out. so this machine can stay as it is.

i'm running win98 on the machine in the other room. it came with it and we haven't upgraded it at all, so i'm leaving it on there. plus i have software that will only run on that, not on XP. this appeals to the cheap in me. the whole machine does. once again my gratitude to S for trash picking it.

i've got the pink CD on in the other room, i forgot how good it is as background music. jack dropped the DVD player, so you need the remote to do most things, but it still works perfectly aside from front face button trauma. now i keep part of the collection of wolf sculptures that S also trash picked on top of the DVD player. there are 7 of the things in all, i'd never buy them, but the collection looks great on the top of our entertainment center. i call them the "volfies" and tell doc they are in the place of having an actual dog for protection. this results in that cute and endeared look from him which i love to see so much.

work work work

going through my work, i found a bunch of stuff written in the past two years, which have not been my most prolific writing years. this excites me because i'm so damn tired of all the other material. goddess forbid i ever have to tour this material. i'll be completely 'round the twist in no time.

would the hurricane chasing media have just as much fun in a really big wind tunnel as they do on the beaches getting slapped around by surf and sand? it seems we should figure out a place to keep them that would keep them happy on slow news days. maybe we could build them a sound stage where random things fall down or blow up around them.

peek-tures

viva las vegas

yesterday's writing binge

oh i am flipping out. i was going to add "completely" to that but it isn't completely or i wouldn't be able to type or formulate thoughts.

i know i need to go back up with the seroquel, i am so volitile. i've been cutting for pete's sake, i am spinning out of control and i have a little over a week before i go in front of the disability doctor who can fuck my life up in any number of ways.

hands up who sees me, as i am, winning enough in the lottery to get office clothes to fit my now fat sedated ass and then getting a job i am supposed to be qualified for . . . jesus i did this to myself, didn't i?

i limited my support circle so it isn't big enough to actually help support. there are not enough people in this country to find another couple people who could stand living with me. and that is the trick, i like living with people, so long as . . . we all have our so-long-ases. i'm a little freaky to deal with. got it. i scare people who don't take the time to not be afraid.

i had a good thing with alysia and that wacko chick. i lived in the basement, perfectly happy, they took the upstairs. i didn't eat unless A and i cooked together and i kept things neat. she didn't get along with doc. his idiosyncrasies are really different from mine, so i can understand her not wanting to deal with that.

writing therapy. i feel better already

closure

the only closure i ever got in my life was over 20 years ago. after saying goodbye to my high school sweetheart before a move out of town, i called him several times the last day i was in town. finally he told me, "stop calling please, it's like you keep sitting up in the casket". he laughed when i told him years later, but that was the only closure i ever got with anyone.

and there has been this one thing i have blamed myself for, and i was just listening to sappy 80s crap and realized the problem was not me.

okay, well, in a way it was. i didn't grow up to be the enigmatic pillar of strength or the utter junkie failure like a lot of people who met me over the years figured. if i had a dollar for every person from my past who has gotten back into contact with me just to tell me they just wanted to know i was still alive. some think i will still come to some violent end brought on by my own vices. i guess that is pretty normal.

but when someone can't take me for me. then i can't blame myself. most of the time, 97% i'd say, i don't blame myself. i call them names and move on with my life. i don't even kid myself that closure will ever be had again.

there are so many people who are worse than i am. so many people who can't hold it together socially at all, and i can. i am a fabulous actress. i think too many people want to believe the act because it is better to them than the reality.

that or some people are just out of their fucking heads and should be separated from the rest of the population for the sake of everyone's patience and angst levels.

wonders never ceasing

last night doc finally got himself a myspace.com account. he's using it for networking, since he found out that a lot of people he used to work with and may yet again, are on myspace. i think this is an excellent idea.

i have a myspace space, i use it for promoting my music and networking with entertainers and talent searchers for the spoken word scene.

there is a special joy in typing with freshly cut nails.

library

i finally got a library card!!

so i got a few books about book making and binding and one having to do with recycled crafts. the craft one inspired me to make something, a windchime with broken shards of a mug and spoons and wire and a paper bowl and all sorts of other stuff i used to make the whole structure stronger. i learned it is good to have a plugged in hot glue gun no matter what you are doing.

the books about books i'm going to have to peruse a bit more. there are another couple of stitches i want to learn. one for rebinding paperback books that are coming apart, another for art books and when i get around to making my chap book.

mostly it is art books that would be nice, but i tend to think of things i can sell that have practical uses. granted the thing i'm making right now is for me and will be used if i ever have an art show. but that was stuff i had laying around that is now hanging around looking pretty. mostly i lean toward practical uses.

ooh

too much joy

i was unable to get the incense and candle i needed to do what i wanted tonight on doc's employment behalf.

so if you have a candle, light it for him. the place we wanted to call him re: a job, has called.

the way that cox cable is jerking him around, phoenix doesn't want to make a decision until vegas does and vice versa. add to that the HR department from his own company, whom he also applied for another campaign with, sent him forms for extending his FMLA. what the hell is going on? you would think with email, at the very least companies that work together and all interview in the same conference room and lunch together could keep tabs.

so this new company would be a neat thing. time is running out, though a couple more jobs have come up. apparently he did wait long enough for the training classes that absorbed his coworkers to hit the calling floors and prove themselves or not. and now there are openings all over the place.

phoenix will soon be a distant memory (i hope) and i can now rescrew the bookcase back into the wall.

disney purity

is anyone else bothered by the airbrushed out anuses of the puppies on the disneyland commercials? i understand aesthetics and all, but wouldn't clean realistic bums be better?

leeloodallas, multicat

our home vet efforts have been rewarded with the healing of leeloo's trouble paw. it has been messed up since her rescue (she was declawed by an apprentice vet, and something may not have healed well), but got to a very ugly look just recently.

so on advice given before by the vet we got her from we used judicious trimming of dead skin and extra fur and peroxide rinses combined with new skin. at this point she comes willingly back to doc and offers him her paw.

today there was no more scabbing. a bit of a dead blister to be removed but the paw is finally healed.

i really miss our old vet from PA, i never have found an equal here in vegas.

damn kids

the cats are up in the windows since we have them open. i really could go on for days about the joy of the changing of the seasons, even in this place that is not known for its seasons.

but the window sills are by the plants. and i just caught chloe daintily plucking a leaf from robert the plant. oh how happy i am not. they decimated a spider plant in under 12 hours last spring.

i have got to get a planter and get some cat grass in it.

today the financial crunch ends. not that i want to spend money, i just want it there if something happens. though it did give me a rare opportunity to stock up my paypal account.

our neighbors asked what i do, i explained, they asked if i made good money at it, i laughed.

outside

we met our neighbors tonight. they have some cool ferrets. i love pet people. i played with their one dog for a while. i had no idea i'd had such a need for a rousing game of tug-o-war. they are nice people. two girls and a guy.

B is over visiting with doc. he (doc) is really getting sociable lately. maybe he's thinking we are staying and maybe make the best of it. i hope so. we've both been having horrible anxiety dreams. and we have both been using things to help us sleep. so that is no good.

i feel like i'm about to dodge a bullet matrix-style soon and i can't fucking wait for the whoosh.

doc is playing with the child gate and making a ton of noise. this is the most active evening we've had in a very long time.

i have a box of computer components that are going to be a lit assemblage piece to hang in what will be my office space. today another something or other was added to the project. and now that i know doc wants me to have a soldering gun as much as i do, i've decided to not go with the glue and instead do a solder and wire assemblage with the pieces. i need to learn something about electricity while i'm at it. i have a slew of ideas in a sketchbook that all involve some amount of electricity.

how hard and messy is a mother board, or any board of that sort to cut? i'm envisioning a light base with the heat sink in it and the cord winding up out of it with the help of some wire and electrical tape. goddess knows i have the glassware to do such a thing with.

dumpster diving

i marvel at and thank people who can't tighten screws.

i just got an unscratched wood CD holder, the kind that looks like a quilt or newspaper rack, the kind that holds our entire CD collection which was spread out through the house and has more room.

several of the dowels had come out. and rather than sticking them back in and tightening the four support screws, they got rid of it. i love them. just like i love the people/person who threw out a three year old dell system that had been used for nothing more than aol. not even any porn or anything.

i once found here a coffee table that i covered with old quilts and used as a settee. another case of tightening the screws, and a scratch in the top that was covered and sat upon.

now i can get rid of that plastic CD tower i hated so much. even the one we left by mistake when we moved out here didn't hold as many as this one does. and once i paint it to match the furniture it will look even better.

i'm cydniey, i fix things.

all of that

today was a good day in my makeshift recording studio. i got three pieces done and two of them i completely love. i'm doing (i just noticed today) that i'm doing pieces that are a bit more fun, and a bit more easily lent to musical intervention.

especially the piece i'm sharing with you today: all of that

if you decide to share it, please put my name in the filename, thanks. it is a special kind of thrill to do a search on myself in a file sharing program and get results.

and you can get a copy of all the poems super cheap online, or pretty cheap hard copy here at lulu.com

back to my assembly line of book making. heh, not like that. actually making books. if i was into "bookmaking" i'd probably like the seedier side of this city a lot more. and i wouldn't have to hock my stuff online with every other entry.

and a comment: i know more than the infamous "20" have listened to the partial of bitch sisters that i posted the other day. i have heard nothing from any of you, whether you are of the "20" or not. that is not constructive criticism, people. that is silence. does it suck? i'm not married to it. i was doing it the day i was getting the technical stuff set up and i am sick of it and doubt i will do another take. but say something to me.

even about this piece, which is short, by the way. too silly, too slam, not slam enough (which will be ignored, heh), bad writing, good writing, poor delivery, good delivery? if i get useful feedback i'll put my favorite one up from today's session. it is a silly short poem that i did in a silly way, it sounds like part of a comedy bit, actually, in a strange way.

so there's a potential reward. i want to hear your thoughts if you spend the time to listen to it, because you will never get that time back, so you may as well tell me what you think of that. =}

some days

some days a simple cup of coffee can make my day, my week, my month. to make my year, it might take a great latte, i've never proven that but it makes sense. this is one of those days. doc is going in to work, so the very fact i was up at 8 is not so annooying, i'll be able to get some recording done.

the temperature has started to remind us of fall. i sat on the porch and stared into a patch of sunlight on the grass and was taken back to my ninth summer. i have a whole handful of memories of spending a lot of time outside that summer. roller disco in the driveway, listening to my leif garrett 8 track on my portable player at night on the back deck, begging the stars to give me proof of my grandfather's afterlife. donny osmond singing through the tulips or just in my head as i played in the garden and dug a big hole for no apparent reason.

outside is such a treat in this part of the year. it is magic in most of north america, spring and fall are like that. times of hope and aromas in the air and sunlight that doesn't sting. dusty cats on living room couches where people were barely allowed.

for a sunday, it isn't a bad day at all.

saturdays

the days are just too long when i get up at 8. i'm still up until two in the morning. i do so many things during the day but i still run out of interest or inspiration.

today i must clean my room. no one cares that it is messy but me and today i think i cannot stand it any longer. little clutter things here, there and everywhere. all things that have a place to be put away.

if there is a god in the universe that cares about people like me, my check or my paypal card will be in the mail today. i'd really like that to happen. doc has two vices, a beer before bed and smoking and we are out of beer, so you know the nicotene is right up there at the top now. i have five smokes and i plan to ration them. if i can't get him more i can at least not smoke what we have. if it gets ugly, i'll sedate myself to sleep. that kills a few hours.

please let the post man be good to me. he actually left notice for the package i got yesterday. i think the women in the office complained. i wasn't the only person, anyone who tried to speak to him, if only to say hello, has had the same problem. and i ran into a guy at the mail boxes yesterday who was pulling a folded envelope marked in big letters "do not fold" out of his box and cursing the post man and all he stands for. we comisserated for a few minutes and the smoking lady from the office was around to hear it.

i understand this place is full of transients, i realize that having so many small rooms full of cubbies to be filled accurately sucks balls. these are reasons i don't work for the post office here. but. but. but. incompetence for whatever reason is crap. and intentional incompetence, well that just gives people like me the opportunity to say things like, "no, i don't think he's mean, i just think he's stupid."

more pretty things

some of the past week's work:


m&m cover 4.5" x 10" lined blank notebook, 50 pages


hardbound in beige silk, with 100 pale green pages, blank journal 6" x 9"


kool kat cover 4.5" x 10" lined blank notebook, 50 pages, 6" x 9"


vintage peter pan record cover covered blank journal with multicolored pages


purple polka dot covered journal with 100 blank pages, 6" x 9"


wrap around necklace of blue, purple and clear glass, blackstone and hematite chip beads with 1" matching sterling hoop earrings


blue cats eye chip and clear glass bead choker sm-med neck size

heh

so now adobe go live doesn't want to open on this machine. hrm.

so i used photoshop, image ready (until i figured out photoshop could do what i needed quicker) and my old standby dreamweaver to come up with the closest thing to an acceptable web site i've come up with for a couple of years. and i learned a whole new thing which will revolutionize how i design sites, again i love technology.

i have some modifications to make to smooth out the graphic areas, but i was all excited when M told me at first glance it reminded him of an oldschool video game. blue and black will do that, hehehehe.

now i'm trying to decide if i will be a pain in the ass and make everything open in remote windows. if i make the modifications to the layout, i won't have to do that. and i really don't want to do that. to be a pain in the ass to the world it often takes more than i am willing to put into it.

i'm starting to have major anxiety dreams about moving and am very encouraged about the new lead doc got last night. he even uttered the words, "if we stay here you can have the soldering kit long before christmas", and that just blew me away. part of it was the expensiveness of the apartments and the idea that we would have to get rid of half of what we own to fit into a place just as expensive as this. that also opens the possibility of having to chose between our cats and i have no hope of rehoming them.

these are things i can't even consider. so my brain goes through it while i sleep. last night i dreamt we gave each of the cats away a few days apart, so every few days, while i was rushing to pack and not having any boxes, i had to go through this huge ripping pain of saying good bye to one of the babies. that sucked. it isn't like we have a load of cats, we just have one too many to fit into 700 square feet along with ourselves.

i hope this is settled before the fateful state doctor's appointment. if i'm this stressed out when i go in there, goddess only knows what will happen or what will come out of my mouth.

HST's suicide note to be published in rolling stone

BREITBART.COM - Just The News: "'No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun _ for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax _ This won't hurt.'"

it says everything that i wanted or needed to hear.

i want i want

i was telling M today that i don't want to keep most of the stuff i make. it's the making it, not the having it.

there are a couple of exceptions, one is a tin i did that L has now. the U2 record journal i made (that sold today at etsy for katrina relief), and tonight, another journal, this one with colored blank pages. the cover of it is the record cover from a 1960s recording of peter pan and i cut out the cover just so - peter and captain hook and the croc are all on it. i love it. i may just keep it.

no, i won't. but it is fun to think about.

i'm running a program that marks all of my livejournal entries as friends only. i'm closing that down mostly. a few communities i belong to and following friends on it, but i just have no interest. lately i have been plagued by the repeated mention by several people of someone i've tried very hard to separate all aspects of my life from. i read my friend's page and my eye starts to twitch.

and i'm really starting to get into the stuff M is doing. considering a podcast of my own now, and wanting to find communities, like the one that he has set up, that have supportive people on them.

let's just say i'm graduating high school again.

the transition to this blog wasn't as hard as i thought it was going to be and i am much more comfortable in this wider arena. so there are few comments, aside from the odd spam, they mean more overall, they are better thought out, more on topic, and i have just dissed all my lj friends, which i don't at all mean to do. REALLY. it just feels too close. don't like it. it is the forum, not the people i've come to know there.

i need to start pushing myself, finding my limits. i've been handled with kid gloves for so long and suddenly today i was sick of being the sick girl. i am keeping myself from success with my own perception of constant failure. yeah, take that. it makes sense to me.

another door opens

doc talked to an old friend here tonight and found out a great medical company is hiring call center people. good pay, good shift, discounts on pharmeceuticals.

so once again i am excited about the prospect of staying here. he's doing the application on the other computer, so i need to give him the network cable so he can connect and send it in.

new talent

i can fix things. many things. electronics sometimes, just things around the house. i noticed over the last week or so when doc has something to be fixed he brings it to me. this is just the coolest thing. it makes me feel like i have a use. anyone can do laundry and dishes. but i fix things.

i took a nap and nightmared and woke up and doc put some chanting on for me to relax to. how could we have known it would sound like one of the worst voices in my head? i ran out of the room with my hands over my ears like a child and hid in the kitchen until he came and got me. now it seems silly, maybe it was that i had just woken up and it scared me more than usual.

i fixed my thrift store chair i've had for a year. someone took it apart to recover the seat and while they did a really good job of that, they didn't screw the leg supports in all the way. so i did that with a pair of robogrips, since they were bolt shaped screws and had been stripped in the screw slot. now it is solid and comfy and in the living room. and it doesn't creak and threaten to come apart. i also took the arms off, the chair was too small for the arms.

so i'm cydniey fixit.

wow

technology is a wondrous thing. i talked to an old friend today by way of Skype (search it, it rocks). you can talk to each other over the internet and it was a really clear connection. it was a lot of fun.

when i'm a little more comfortable with it, i'll post my screen name.

did a stupid thing while making something. no biggie but i'm beating myself up about it, what is up with that?

i scrapped my website design and started over with new colors and fonts. i'm being very selfish about the redesign. it is the first time i'll have a "personal" page for a long time. so long it has been for getting traffic to sell stuff. that will no longer be the case. so i'm trying to be really true to who i am so that it really is an electronic representation of my personality. that means a few graphics and some really bold, albeit websafe, colors. and suddenly i'm starting to really get into it. even the part about learning adobe go live.

though i really should get to a library and get a book, if they have one. i havne't been in a library in a long time. i want to get a couple books on bookbinding. i just found a recipe for wheat paste so i don't have to spend money on glue stics for the books, and i'd like to learn a couple more stitches if i can, and some other ways of assembling the final product.

after my talk today i am more resolved to get my stuff out to a couple of shops. provided we stay here.

dream

it was mary and marcy in new orleans where my parents had ditched me. the coolest dream i've had since can remember.

boy oh boy

the fun just doesn't stop. i played with the two computers today. i can now switch the internet between them. the cool thing is that i found another hard drive stashed in an anti magnetic bag.

so tomorrow another attempt to get franken machine built. my first hand built by me computer. crossing fingers that hard drive works, i have everything else i need.

oh dear. it's a scsi drive. balls. i'm just going to have to take the big one out of here once i get a router and can connect them all so it doesn't matter what drive is where. i guess i'll get to the CD burning tomorrow so i can put windows on it. oh the things i teach myself.

teaser and a whole lot of words

bitch sisters teaser

i may never need to write another poem again, if the mood should fail to hit me. and really i have my doubts that i'm meant to be a poet anymore. i love reciting the pieces i have done. i'm not through the "c"s yet and i have enough for another CD.

i feel arrogant saying that but please realize i never really thought of myself as a poet, save for about 7 months where i was having an identity crisis. i don't fit in. i've never read sylvia plath . . . or any classic poet outside of my college lit courses. i don't enjoy listening to it. i hate slam. i suck at slam as well, because i hate it. i'm just not a notebook toting angst machine anymore.

the stuff i write now, or work with that is new, is stuff i've written in here that i put together into essays when i find a few with something in common. and to be honest, unless the muse stands in the middle of my brain and screams at me, i'm not writing poetry anymore. it just happened that my disjointed thoughts fit well into free form poetry. and i now see that as the first step of my creative outlet of my madness.

now it has evolved into other things. i've been doing jewelry, books, and such trinkets and have finally started having visions of artwork. last night, for example, i thought of a brilliant idea to remake "boobs and spam". it won't make the piece make any more sense than it does now, but it will look like something in my head. these are the visions i have been waiting for.

and the catalyst was doing the silk fabric hanging that i posted yesterday. even though i didn't sketch it, the digital work and the conception of the assembly triggered something and suddenly i am thinking in terms of assembly instead of disjointed pieces that i have a very hard time putting together. which is why most of my art remains unfinished and waiting. i hang it so i can look at it and think of it often, but i know it isn't done.

in other news, if we stay here i plan to replace the vanity bulbs in my bathroom with blue bulbs and hanging yellow lights, once the holidays come around and i can stock up again. and let me tell you, the long life string lights that GE came out with last year are worth their weight in gold. i would gladly pay retail for them. and that is saying something. i spent a year in pink light because i won't buy string lights at retail. i use too many of them to do that. but the longlife ones have not failed me at all, while all of the other outdoor lights and indoor lights are dying.

back to the original news, i finally got out the microphone and learned how to record in cool edit2. i knew how to remaster, which i'm going to have to do big time, there is so much ambient noise that the cheapo mic picks up. i have to turn the air and the fans off and i think i may put a blanket over the computer box to hush it a little. it is only noisy when sitting next to me while i'm recording.

then i went through my big book of po-eems and picked out a couple dozen to rehearse and choose the finalists from. this time is a bit different because i have poems published out there, so i have to avoid them and i am finally finding a use for my endless notes and notations so i can keep track of what is under my current rights. the ones i can't use this time, though few, i will be able to use with the fourth CD. unless by then some publisher or agent finds me and takes me on as a project. agoraphobic performance poets who don't suffer stagefright can't be all that common.

the only reason i can think of that would make me want to leave my house would be a tour. book tour, speaking tour, publicity tour. there has to be a good reason for me to go out. like henry rollins on my front porch naked with a bottle of jaegermeister (shout out to kam316).

my recent cuts are healing quickly. i'm tired of scarring every damn time i cut, so i've gotten very into antibiotic ointment and vitamin e oil. the voices have been very quiet the past two days. the only thing i did differently was not take the seroquel, since i am supposed to wean myself off of it. bullshit, i'm not doing that again. two days of hell with the imps and the shadowman and the fucking voices, a cacophony. only speaking to me in the worst of times and telling me things i know are not true. that is a bit more schizy than i like to be. i don't like cutting, we discussed it the other day. it is passe and has become a public joke. there used to be a reverence to it for me, that was part of the catharsis of the act. i don't just cut out of boredom. it is either a desperate attempt to feel some self control, a way to physically release the rage and shame, or i'm told it will help by the voices and when i am weak i listen and believe.

now that you are all scared of me, just remember, this is only the internet. i kid. this should be no surprise. any entry i make shows i'm a bit off. i go back and read them sometimes and wonder what the christ i was thinking. but that is the joy of blogging. even taking a day off from being online, i keep this notepad in it and jabber at it knowing i will publish it later. and that helps. it helps more than the cutting. people should be honest on the internet, the anonymity allows for complete truthfulness without exposure. what an incredible gift that is. that is how i have always seen it. and it has always surprised me when i find people lying. with the complete freedom to be who you are without apology, why would anyone make shit up? why deny yourself that freedom? i've noticed that there isn't a person on earth who isn't really fascinating when you get to their core. regardless of history, once you reach a certain age, whichever one allows for honest reflection, you are fascinating the way you are.

wadded up panty blues

now i have proof that the washing machine eats my underwear. it was my favorite pair that was stuck in the drainage hose. now that that is done, i can do laundry at last. relief.

while the guys were here fixing it, i moved doc's computer out to the living room to work on it and get it loaded with the programs that will make it more useful for us both. he games. i design and write. the other machine, mine, is set up for multimedia, this is just capable of playing older games and simple games, which is fine for doc. give him monopoly and populous II and he's happy for hours.

i found out my newer 3com cam is not broken. i was using a bad USB cable with it.

so now comes the time when i hope my good deeds come back to me. we used to have a router and when we were down to one machine, we gave it to someone who needed it. i don't by any means want it back, i'm not a taker backer. i'm just hoping for a homeless router to come into my life.

one of my temporary crowns just broke. and i wasn't eating. i think i was grinding my teeth. i do it in my sleep with reckless abandon, and sometimes when i'm awake without realizing it. lucky it is a small piece and won't be missed for the next two weeks while i wait to have the permanent installed.

the dentist has eaten all the money we were counting on to move. cox las vegas hasn't gotten back to doc, so he's basically counting on phoenix to hire him. oh the money we won't have. fuckity fuck fuck. if he could just stay here we could keep our heads above water. his parents offered to let us move in with them. which is really nice and all, but i don't see how they raised three kids in that house, let alone have two adult couples living in it.

and i have lived a long time without a parent figure and i don't think i would meld into that situation well. but that is only a last resort. he can take a lower paying job here while he looks for something better. i just hate the not knowing. it is all about the not knowing.

i just realized that i love watching tv with my foot up while typing. i am also more accurtate than if i am watching the computer screen, that just amazes me.

this is going to turn into a novel if i don't stop. besides that it is time to install adobe and macromedia programs on this machine.

some days i wonder if i faked my own death and reinvented myself, would anything really be different?

i miss kam316. i hope she's having fun at the shore. i would give my pinkies to go to ocean city for a couple of hours, let alone a week. and for a california girl to say that has got to be some sort of sacrilege.

can't sleep

hurts too much. blarg.

tomorrow the pain will be gone, it's just some torn up and otherwise annoyed gums.

i think i'm taking a break from livejournal for a while. i have a much larger readership over there, but i really need a break from their "friends" feature. it isn't a blog, it is a community, whether you want that or not. it wasn't that way when i started using it. very few people were on it. now there is this influx of teens and it touches everything and just really skeeves me.

i don't like the world. i stay in. or rather, i don't like people. don't hate them, just rather do without them face to face. livejournal was getting almost that intimate and it bugs me. enough to break a five year habit? who can say?

how many were waiting with baited breath for jon stewart's take on last week and the hurricane? besides me, that is. if the cable news channels weren't so damn funny and entertaining i'd get all my news from the daily show. but i am a cable news junkie. i admitt it. i want to turn on CNN now to fall asleep to but it has been giving doc nightmares and he already passed out in my bed.

making things is starting to get interesting. i'm running out of some materials that are staples and i am going to have to find things that use other things. glue stic, spray adhesive, clasps, poster board.

so i'm going to be pimping my ass off with the ebay and the etsy to get some cash in my paypal account for when the new debit card comes and i can actually touch it. stupid post man . . . well, no, because it gives me time to rally.

and here's a secret badly kept, i've finally decided on a layout and colors for my website, it is just a matter of assembling it now. and getting a logo, which, with a name like fabulous disaster, is not the easiest thing to do. but kam316 came up with workable logos for monkey named jack, and that is much more unweildly, so i think i can handle it. the colors had me stumped for two or more years. i finally settled for the current black and white and never really put the content back up because i hated it so much.

yeah

do you know what happens with an office full of bored dentists with too much time on their hands?

i do.

and now i'm out of money, which i didn't expect and even if doc gets hired in phoenix there is no way in hell we can go now.

i'm in pain and i want to kill the bass master white trash knuckle dragger downstairs. nice that he was sitting outside in silence until we got home and said hi and asked him how he was.

the world is a fuckwit.

not for nothing

i had a confrontation with my post man a while ago. i said i was sorry to bother him, could i ask him a question and he got really hostile so i walked away and cried.

since then he won't leave the requisite package notices, so i never know if my packages have arrived and a couple are just plain missing.

then i find out my paypal card isn't working because it has expired. so where is the new one? we go through any mail we have around and it isn't here, so i have to report it stolen, right on the same day a friend could really benefit from my having that card.

i have the worst luck with the post office. i had a po box in PA and they let my stalker have a key. i had one here and they just sent everything back to the sender (which pissed off a lot of people who just decided not to be my friends anymore, as they felt slighted). so i gave up on the po box thing. i have a secure mailbox that only i and the post man can get into. and he is a shithead, so now i'm screwed again.

and what does the post office do? we're sorry, we'll log it. great. i've never gotten any of my lost mail or been reimbursed for my losses.

the most petty insignificant things just really piss me off.

off to the dentist.

picks and drills

not a shopping list, no, today's plans

to the dentist to get my crowns and my bridge fixed. no pain today, just discomfort and grinding. i'm glad this phase is almost over. i have another four teeth that need attention.

when my teeth are solid enough, possibly even today, i'm eating a bagel. a nice fresh garlic bagel.

Getting Over Themselves

"i'm on a boatload of anti anxiety medication right now. it's a good thing."

saturday night live's version of martha stewart.

and suddenly i identify with the character.

joy

the simplest, most fulfilling joy i can think of is having the windows open and smelling the summer air. i like the smell of the fall and winter air, too, but today we have summer air on the menu. =}

the techni-colored book

multi colored offica paper and sketch book paper with a multicolored hardback laminated cover

cutting is so passe

i swear the teeny boppers and their fertile imaginations and desperate need for attention have ruined cutting.

it was bad enough i'd been doing it more than half of my life, now i have to deal with the shame of the tweener drama lamas and the various comparisons i make with myself.

i forgot all about my dentist appointment tomorrow so i am desperately coating the offending stripes of blood with anti biotic gel and willing it to heal to something more explainable. and thank the goddess for stucco. so many things can be blamed on stucco.

i used to just wear long sleeves. but in las vegas in the first week of september and now that i'm overweight, it just won't work. i'll pass out from the lack of internal thermostat (thank you, risperdal).

rarr on me and camel

one of their camel cash things for september was an ipod shuffle. and i didn't go to the site and reserve one in time.

i have about 5,000 camel cash, thanks to people who have collected and given them to me over the years.

i got a portable CD player, which is in my studio and is used almost daily. i missed the chance also to get a dvd player. had i know the monkey kitten, jack, would drop kick the dvd player, i would not have hesitated like i did.

i hope for the holidays they have more high ticket items and i will be better about going to the site regularly. at 1,500 camel cash, you'd think the ipod would be around more than four days. likely people who have been hoarding camel cash spending it all on ipods to sell on ebay. hrm.

inventory shelf

nothing clever

since my state psych evaluation is on the 20th, doc and i today discussed the possibility that i may have to go inpatient for tests and such. on the governments dime, but it is a possibility. they will almost certainly want the outpatient tests that should have been run when i first started taking heavy duty anti psychotics. PT scans and the like.

worst case scenario, they want to observe me, or maybe change my meds. if they do that they will find out just how crazy i am. i've behaved during my last two hospitilizations for the most part (don't ask about why there are no more plastic knives in the cafeteria), but if they mess with my meds and lock me up to observe me, they are going to see a much different person than who sat across the table from them.

i'm very intelligent and stupid doctors take that for faking. i used to wonder. until the voices started telling me what to do. i really doubted myself until i started seeing people.

it would be so much easier to pretend i am a bitchy psychic, but i can't in good concious do that.

so much will happen before then, the time will fly to it. that's why i wanted to talk about it tonight, and we were on the subject anyway since i cut myself last night quite intentionally. what can i say, the voices sound very logical and reasonable when they happen.

ill played race card

i've gotten some strife over my claim that new orleans is not a racial thing.

and since i don't want to respond directly to anyone with this tone, i will just say it to the universe:

black white hispanic . . . POOR that is the one thing that everyone who stayed in NOLA who wasn't a tourist has in common.

i'm so tired of obvious class issues being too taboo to speak of as is, so race is brought into it. yes the poor population of new orleans is primarily black. that doesn't mean they were picking out the white folks instead of the black ones. people of every color and sexual and religious orientation are rotting in their homes. and THAT is the most important thing.

the classes of this country are shit and it is about time that was looked at straight on, not through colors.

do you think jesse jackson was speaking only for black people when he objected to "refugees"? of course not. just because a majority of a population is of one color or another, or one sexual orientation or another, or one religion or another does not mean they are being picked on.

we may as well be saying that bush hates southern baptists or crawfish eaters. how absurd.

bush has shown time and time again that he hates the poor, can we focus on that for a few minutes?

doc and i are one disaster away from being refugees, how many of you are? how many are black?

big picture, people.

too much

the urges
the imps
i cut
no hiding
shit
fuck
why

strange

if you were to ask me if i felt a danger to myself right now i would have to say yes. i actually want to cut. and i can't figure out why and it is really bugging me. is it the memories of the past few days, or the knowing much better that i am bringing doc down? i don't feel suicidal depressed, but i really feel i'd be better off dead, or on the bathroom floor bleeding because i deserve it. it must be the memories.

do i tell doc? S is here. i'll wait until he leaves. if i can. i have nothing sharp. so i can't do too much damage.

am i the most selfish cunt or what?

waking up now

now i'm starting to perk up. sewed a book together, and aimed the cam at the rotating paper cutter of sleeping cats. even sat on cam for a while sewing the book together. then i got camera shy. that happens when i don't feel right. which i don't. sleeping in the evening is very disorienting and i'm not happy i did that.

a growing feeling of unease is my new special friend. like just below the surface is something bad. watch me end up in the hospital on the 20th when i go to the state doctor. that would be just peachy. that may well be the only way to get my benefits continued. which i have been saying since the beginning. but if i freak out at the appointment i likely won't have to spend three days strapped to a bed in an emergency room.

yes, the thing in new orleans has brought out all my worst fears. i am not a survivor, i shut down in situations of crisis. and i take things too personally, like this. i was no where near new orleans, but i still feel the fear of my tenuous situation in society. doc is the only thing between me and homelessness and talking to parking meters.

at some point tonight i will drug myself to sleep. i'm in no mood to stay up all night. and i'm worn out from the 12+ hours of bass from the car of the hick downstairs. i really want to go beat on him.

cydniey is a fabulous disaster: live art cam page

cydniey is a fabulous disaster: live art cam page

cam is on

i must have laid down

right after doc left. four hours later. i kind of want to go back to bed. i guess there's no real harm in it.

Paglia on Kat

Independent Online Edition > Commentators : app2: "Camille Paglia: Hurricane Katrina has demolished this administration's mask of confidence"

My Own Thoughts:
if we get bogged down in blame, this will turn into a nationwide really ugly thing. we need to get through this and then figure out what went wrong. and with luck, by the time that happens, names will be known and an election will offer us a one of a kind opportunity to change out the misadministrators that gradually allowed this to happen.

this isn't any one party or individual, it is a whole chain of all kinds of different people that called it wrong or didn't pay close enough attention. enough out of me. i'm not getting into political particulars. i am more concerned with the early high death tolls to go down with time. hoping and praying to my own gods.

a comparison of sorts

remember the scene in "Blazing Saddles" where they are in the office of the governor and the meeting is just pure chaos and stupidity.

this is how i see the elected and not so elected officials in washington and the south.

if you haven't seen "Blazing Saddles" there are countless reasons other than this to see it. oh, and where have you been?

The Blog | Randall Robinson: New Orleans | The Huffington Post

The Blog | Randall Robinson: New Orleans | The Huffington Post: "It is reported that black hurricane victims in New Orleans have begun eating corpses to survive. Four days after the storm, thousands of blacks in New Orleans are dying like dogs. No-one has come to help them."

where are frist and delay?

that whole circle of life or whatever they named their great schindler crusade . . . where are they in the face of new orleans hospices without power, with life support shutting down. why are they not crying murder for these deaths?

running

cleaned kitchen
made coffee (like i need any)
finished and folded laundry
mixed up some cinnamon and sugar
scrubbed the sink
watered the animals
filled the brita

Astrodome medical volunteers overwhelmed

HoustonChronicle.com - Astrodome medical volunteers overwhelmed: "Astrodome medical volunteers overwhelmed"

yoinked from final_girl over at livejournal.com

i had wondered aloud about what happened to the institutionalized. i bleed for them. all prayers are for them. hopefully some will never even remember this.

yeah, that was worth it

the entry was is no longer an emarrassment. there is a leak in the roof of our porch, so when the heavy rains came, the water seeped under the rug and stainde a big corner of it. all gone. monotone carpet once again. i love oxyclean.

and the clothes i hand washed and wrang out are now dry. yeah!

how did it get to be 2? i got up at 8:30. my days are getting longer but moving much faster. manic, i know. the ativan is a sorry replacement for xanax. but it is keeping me focused enough to get things done.

kitchen next.

so busy

i've done so much today and i can just barely remember, so i'm gonna make a list

hand washed unders and tanks
vaccuumed living room
cleaned studio
made one purple book
photographed newest things
updated ebay
put up a couple of auctions
posted to all the communities i could find that would let me

okay. maybe i should take a nap but i feel like i'm getting my second wind and would really like to steam clean the carpet in the living room.

blame

i will completely disregard any talk of this happening because there is no god in school

i will completely disregard anyone who blames people for not leaving. (and before you do, think about where you'd be in the same position, for most of my life i have been one natural disaster from homelessness)

i will completely disregard anything that comes out of the mouth of any politition, unless they are saying, "bring people here, we'll take them in. and count the days until the next election.

and i suggest, to keep your head from going all scanners, that you do the same.

Mom Says "No"

i have one more copy of my multimedia CD = $15 to cydniey@zenweb.net via paypal and it can be yours! i will even sign and personalize it if you choose. you also get a free copy of the remastered "stop poking me lady" if you pay $2 postage.

2 CDs - $17 - autograph and personalization

first come first serve. this is going into the vault.

what is on this multimedia CD?

sick of waiting

doing laundry in the tub. our machine is not broken, it jsut needs some attention, we are low on the list, they have a/c units failing all over. so a bit of bathtub laundry would be a flashback of fun, thought i.

i left the bamboo plant jack-scessible last night. so some repair was called for this morning. lucky these things are so resiliant.

i have the hiccups today. that is annoying.

someone on the news is wearing a necklace similar to the ones i'm making right now.*hic**hic*

my preciouses

the governor of louisiana

what a trian wreck.

"They have M-16s and they're locked and loaded," Gov. Kathleen Blanco said of 300 National Guard troops who landed in New Orleans fresh from duty in Iraq. "These troops know how to shoot and kill, and they are more than willing to do so, and I expect they will."

i have a perfect tag line for her: let them eat cake!

interdictor: The Real News

interdictor: The Real News: "The Real News"

wanna know a secret?

the geodon doesn't stop the hallucinations, auditory or visual. i can see . . . i call them spirits, non corporeal forms. and i hear a constant mummuring, i can't catch much and i don't know if it is the forms that make the noises.

i call them imps to myself, lumping both together.

the geodon also lets me be manic. the xanax brings me back down to earth. so i'm crazier on the geodon than the seroquel but i'm not going back to it until and unless i have to.

i love too much the getting things done and this is a time to get things done.

so the imps are back and as long as they don't make a mess, and don't talk too loud, they can stay. when i'm old and delirious i will see them as the wandering dead.

i don't like to go outside because it gets louder. a roar that just is so distracting, and i read people's faces, i can almost feel what they are trying not to project. it is scary and i get worn out really fast. the trip to the dollar store yesterday, after the doctor, just completely wiped me out.

i came home and made more books.

i know what i'm getting for xmas!

doc said i need a soldering kit so i can work with silver.

i'm still trying to make the money ($130 - $160) to get the art clay starter set, but the soldering kit is more imporant. i also need a jigsaw attatchment for my dremel.

i love power tools!

if we get this place with a garage that we're looking at, i could have a place for big tools, which are cheap and plentiful at the pawnshops.

boo

i have a hamster named boo, as most of you know.

yesterday was good luck day at the dollar store. i got him a pantry (a large cob of dried corn that will last him months) and a back of really high quality feed. oats, wheat berries, pressed soybeans (one of his special loves), sunflower seads . . . most importantly, NO millet. millet is for birds, not rodents. i have yet to have a rodent even turn an eye to millet, no matter how hungry (though, in truth, my rodents never get all that hungry, they have all been spoiled) so i hate feed that is all millet or rabbit pellets. i don't even know rabits who eat those, the hamster builds forts out of them.



his cage was knocked to the floor the other night. we assume it was jack who started events. boo went straight behind the nearest piece of furniture and was sound asleep and safe from the cats when i found him. so i put him in his ball while i rebuilt the cage, and he fell asleep again, in the middle of the floor in his clear ball, this was not a stressed out hamster. the cage may have been damaged. most habitrails would have shattered, but this is largely coated wire mesh and soft plastic.



then we played chase the cat (his idea) and he got some carrot to chew on. he's annoyed that his cage now wobbles a bit when he runs, but not enough to not run.

sounds like a sporting event

america's challenge?

i've gone to ground with the written ink and paper journal to hold my thoughts on the south. i don't know why, the words come out better and quicker. and there are plenty of blogs writing better stuff. i would just get wrapped up in the details and upset myself, and no one needs to hear about that.

so on to other things. one of my CDs sold this morning. someone from england. i'm bigger in europe than i am here. always have been and i like it that way.

so now Alphaville's "big in japan" is running loops in my head. heh.

amazing what i can do with an infusion of $15. so little money can do so much good in my life. and the rush of having my own bit of cash to contribute to things is unequaled.

i hope the stuff i donated to craft revolution sells on etsy. i don't mind eating the shipping, i just want to be able to give more to the effort. in case something does sell, i have a couple more items ready to be donated also. i got really good pictures of them last night and they are some of my best jewelry pieces to date.