the secret
i have so many that mean so little.
enough.
not taking xanax with morning meds.
i feel like me more again
i am not confused
have i been taking too much of the drug?
it is very possible,
just what i was trying to avoid
this is how addiction gets you
you all heard me talk about not getting hooked
taking less than i should
and then i am taking three pills a day
every day
and then i am popping another
along with all that
and i don't notice until
this day
i think to myself,
"don't take it, you can take it later if you need it"
and an hour later i suddenly feel like me again
and i have cleaned the studio
and i have straightened my room
and i have combed my hair
and i have put away the bottle of xanax
which is back on a "need to use" basis
ONLY
i can't take another monkey on my back
i feel my petty addictions
sugar
caffeine
nicotine
as acutely as if i was injecting them
and i wish i wasn't so intimate with them
and i wish i could give them up
but they are the addictions that
i let my genetically addiction inclined self have
i was so careful and only looked away
for a few weeks
shame
how i judged others
how weak i assumed they were
but it sneaks up on you
don't let it sneak up on you
take what you need to make you feel better
have a doctor that gives a shit
don't over do it
you will miss yourself
i know i did
------------------------
my poetry gets worse every year
the stuff i think of as i drift off to sleep isn't much better than the above. in fact it sucks so that i don't even get up and try to capture it.
there is something else that wants to be written. i know that i am holding in a Big Giant Thing, and i can guess that until i forget about it (ha), or until i let it out, every other expression is gonna suck.
or i am just getting worse with age. i need to figure it out before i commit to NaNoWriMo in a couple of days. it is also Art By The Inch month, though that will be easier, i make stuff daily anyway, i may not even officially do it because i really don't have a problem with daily art. it is the writing i gave up on. i want to collaborate, i just don't like writing alone.
there's more of that "getting out of my own head" thing.
enough.
not taking xanax with morning meds.
i feel like me more again
i am not confused
have i been taking too much of the drug?
it is very possible,
just what i was trying to avoid
this is how addiction gets you
you all heard me talk about not getting hooked
taking less than i should
and then i am taking three pills a day
every day
and then i am popping another
along with all that
and i don't notice until
this day
i think to myself,
"don't take it, you can take it later if you need it"
and an hour later i suddenly feel like me again
and i have cleaned the studio
and i have straightened my room
and i have combed my hair
and i have put away the bottle of xanax
which is back on a "need to use" basis
ONLY
i can't take another monkey on my back
i feel my petty addictions
sugar
caffeine
nicotine
as acutely as if i was injecting them
and i wish i wasn't so intimate with them
and i wish i could give them up
but they are the addictions that
i let my genetically addiction inclined self have
i was so careful and only looked away
for a few weeks
shame
how i judged others
how weak i assumed they were
but it sneaks up on you
don't let it sneak up on you
take what you need to make you feel better
have a doctor that gives a shit
don't over do it
you will miss yourself
i know i did
------------------------
my poetry gets worse every year
the stuff i think of as i drift off to sleep isn't much better than the above. in fact it sucks so that i don't even get up and try to capture it.
there is something else that wants to be written. i know that i am holding in a Big Giant Thing, and i can guess that until i forget about it (ha), or until i let it out, every other expression is gonna suck.
or i am just getting worse with age. i need to figure it out before i commit to NaNoWriMo in a couple of days. it is also Art By The Inch month, though that will be easier, i make stuff daily anyway, i may not even officially do it because i really don't have a problem with daily art. it is the writing i gave up on. i want to collaborate, i just don't like writing alone.
there's more of that "getting out of my own head" thing.
posted by Cydniey at 1:18 PM
2 Comments:
I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year. First time.
Took me 500+ days to chip Brave Men Run out of the keyboard. So why not give myself 30 days for the second one..?????!?
M: i wonder if i could just start from scratch . . . most years i work on putting the old journals together. i just don't think i have the concentration to come up with plot.
i need to co-author, i think. collaboration with anything else kind of scares me, but writing alone scares me more.
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